+me

name.James.Ming Fei
gender.GaL
age.21
dob.26 jUl Leo-ian
school.NYP.Food.SciEnce
am.nature-lover
family.jaMes.fAmiLy & gIaM
buddies.many

lurves.
.james.famili
.sky
.clouds
.mountains
.waterfalls
.close.frens
.kbox
.all.sports

what i want.
.simple.life
.confidence
.trust
.dream.job
.nth else

what i don't want.
.false.frens
.ficker.minds
.lies
.tk.things.for.granted.ppl

Thursday, July 30, 2009

These are taken in sch.

Do we use our hearts to see things? Or juz simply by cold naked eyes?

| a simple day. 7/30/2009 10:20:00 PM
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| a simple day. 7/30/2009 09:37:00 PM
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Monday, July 27, 2009

Spent my 21st bdae over a stretch of 5 days.. bbq wif S1C gers, dinner wif fd sci peeps, s11 durian feast wif adc-yy-james famili gang.. durian milk ice wif qy, min n old man, movie-lunch wif tauhey, taufu, lifeguard n her bro.. spent the actual day kayaking wif doraemon, tortoise, her bf, yeye n qy. Ended the day wif aeng, dinner, walk walk and a bus ride back.

Never thot tht my 21st would be spent wif so many ppl. Never thot tht i could spend my 21st wif the sky, the sea, the wind, the clouds and the nature. I even met my star 2 coach when we kayak to pasir ris beach fr changi beach. Chatted abit. It's a meaningful birthday n it's all i could've asked for.. meeting up wif frens that i have almost lost touch wif.. it's like hw many yrs ago since we went out tgt.. rmb i told some1 ppl celebrate ur bdae for u is becos they are glad that u are brought into this world.. i dunno wad i do to deserve all these cos i didn't do enuff for them.. and everytime i want to do sth for them it juz turns out the wrg way..

i dunno hw to express myself well.. i wished that i can do as much as u all had done for me or even more.. but after all these time isit still nt enuff to show tht i treasure ur frenships? Muz u put me thru all these tests? Can love be tested lidat? Can friendship be measured this way? I was and still am in a dilemma.. i said i needed time..a long time.. Y do this to me when u know i'll be struggling inside? Do u know hw afraid i was that i may turn back? Do u know hw scared i was when i thot i'm the cause of ur quarrel again? U know hw terrible i felt anot? Isit tht impt to test whether i still have feeling anot? If yes then hw? If no then hw? Wad does it show? Wad does it tell? Nvm.. it doesn't matter anymore..

| a simple day. 7/27/2009 12:10:00 AM
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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

How much is too much? How little is too little? Too little is bad, too much is nt gd either. Known this too late. When i'm beginning to find the equalizer, the trust is alr nt there. "You have to put in double effort to gain back the trust. You have to put in double effort to gain back the trust. You have to put in double effort to gain back the trust.." Recently i'm spending more time outside other than the club. I'm starting to see a lot of things tht i dun see usually wif my heart. Cos it's normally wif the club.

Isit beta for ppl to hate u sometimes? Maybe it's correct to do so. Dunno if i'm doing the right thing.. but.. juz let things be this way. Time will tell everything n untie all the knots.

"If I don't obey you, there's a good reason to it." - 10 promises to my dog

I'm tired. Very tired. But it's a gd thing to be tired n bz. Shuts my brain off stupid issues. It's gd to be tired n able to slp. I juz realise hw fortunate i was to be able to doze off every nw n then last time. Becos nw i can't. Mixed feelings. 1 moment i'm telling myself to withdraw myself out. Another i'm turning my head regretting. But the regret dies bit by bit everytime.

I dun cry becos of falls n cuts. Neither do cutting onions mk me tear.





如果有一天　我離你遙遠
不能再和你相約　
你是否會發覺我已經說再見

如果有一天　夢想都實現
回憶都成了永遠　
你是否還會記得今天

如果有一天　我們都發覺
原來什麼都可以　
我們是否還會停留在這裡

當你的眼睛瞇著笑　
當你喝可樂當你吵
我想對你好　你從來不知道　
想你想你　也能成為嗜好

當你說今天的煩惱　
當你說夜深你睡不著
我想對你說　卻害怕都說錯　
好喜歡你　知不知道

| a simple day. 7/22/2009 12:56:00 AM
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Friday, July 17, 2009

Haven been updating. Trying to have No feeling. Told jwt tht i wish to stop alr.. though i guess he dunno wad i'm talking abt. I also dunno wad i'm talking actually. Confused. Sometimes i wonder who is this person standing rite in front of me.

| a simple day. 7/17/2009 02:05:00 AM
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Sunday, July 12, 2009

I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. Pls be happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. Pls pls pls be happy.

Actually I'm not. =(

| a simple day. 7/12/2009 04:31:00 PM
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It's very cold today. The sand is very white. Sky is very blue. Sound of the waves is very loud. Emptied all the water i had b4 gg to meet kb n yc for dinner. It wasn't planned. But was glad yc asked to go out though i wasn't prepared. Put on a smile. Juz for them. Cos i dun have the rite to be cruel. Thanx for the dinner. I needed it.

Sometimes i wish i'm born w/o tear ducts n with more sweat glands. So tht water dun leak fr the eyes but thru the skin.
Sometimes i wish i'm born w/o a heart so that at least i gt no feelings.
Sometimes i wish i'm born w/o a brain, so that memories wouldn't have a place to store.

I'm learning hw to wipe off my own tears. I'm learning hw to stand up again when i fall. Juz like the song. I want to be the grass n bird in it. Stay strong.

Had juz said gdbye to yppah n hi to das. If there wasn't yppah, hw do we noe das? W/o das, hw is yppah being appreciated?

| a simple day. 7/12/2009 12:40:00 AM
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Saturday, July 11, 2009

A lot to say. But hard to put them into words. Changed my blogskin. Dun want to cause further trouble. I noe it's nt ok when u said,"It's ok." Juz like u noe i mind when i say nvm. It's easy to say "let go". I know nobody will believe. But it's time to stop after a yr plus of holding on to what is impossible. People moved on. I dunno y couldn't i. Feelings are beginning to fade becos i'm beginning to allow it to. Will always be my fren. Forever frens. A very gd fren.

*U gave me ur wings so that i could fly. But i'm nt going anywhere without you. Till 1 day u can fly too.*

I juz need time. A little bit more time.

| a simple day. 7/11/2009 11:44:00 AM
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Friday, July 10, 2009

Wad i heard, saw n felt.. broke my heart.. it's nt the matter of hearts.. but the matter of "family".. used to believe tht we are 1.. all of us.. nw all of us have changed. It's no longer the innocent aim of reaching the peaks, enjoying the nature.. no longer can true contented smile be seen. The initial love tht brought me in n i was seeking for - a love call friendship - is fading.. fading fast.. it had gone thru a lot of "hardships" tgt.. n i thot it would stand. But it's falling apart fast. Heart-broken. Becos i think i've lost the family alr. It nvr was n nvr will be. Wad's my aim of gg on? My life is juz running endless "races". Races tht will nvr have an end point. Y isit so?

Another truth hit me hard n made me come to a realisation. It's nt the fact tht u've told me tht hit me hard. It's becos after knowing the fact, what i feel is no longer j yet abt another thing - friends. Y did i let it affect my friendship w/ D? Y was i scared to even face her then? Reason being her friendship means alot to me. I even felt guilty of feeling this way. I couldn't control. Told myself i cannt feel this way. But i still do so when i see.. U said it's my natural instinct. Yes, maybe it is. But it's also my natural instinct tht tells me i'm wrg to feel this way becos she's my bestfren. Nw i feel a lot lighter. A load off my shoulder. Able to face her again. Becos i no longer feel this way. Becos another person who juz noe me will care abt my feelings n treat me like her fren. It mks me wonder y did i felt this way towards D whom was n still is so close to me in the 1st place.. natural instinct is nt enuff to cover up my mistake.

For once, i dun feel like talking to any1 in it. For once, i want to talk to ppl out of it..to hear carefree talks.. to hear sth loving instead of hurting.. I miss adc mummy. I miss missy monkey. Miss pooh the most. I hate this place. Pls give me a motivation to kp on believing. Becos i dun wanna turn the innocent laughters into suspicious stares. I feel like i'm an accomplice. Battery is totally flat n irrechargable nw. Will nvr run in lanes on this road. Ever again. But still, i will care cos it's they who taught n mould me into who i am today. If not for wiseman, lifeguard, tauhuey n yes, old man, guess i would still be running away fr FYP n problems..being late for it.. though it's a bit too late to change. Have nvr mention y i am able to wake up early nw. Cos of some1's sentence,"I would rather be there 30 mins earlier n wait than to be late." Ur words still means a lot to me - as a friend, as a teacher.

Recently I've learnt hw to bury my fear..maybe i should learn hw to bury all feelings. Or better, be feelingless.

*U have the right to be angry, be sad, be frustrated. But u dun have the rite to be cruel.*

Suddenly have this urge to call u or msg u.. ask u hw r u.. very long nvr see u alr.. hw are u doing? The last time i saw u was 27th Jun. Gal, be strong while being there for ur fren. If u r still reading my blog, hope u see this.. tk care of urself.

A song i like alot since young..

看小小幼苗有多勇敢
认雨打风吹都不怕难
它呼吸着空气和阳光
一天天地成长

看小小鸟儿有多坚强
它就要学习如何飞翔
它努力地挥动着翅膀
要翱游在云端

你要学着自己察乾泪滴
懂得如何跌倒再爬起
像那幼苗不怕风和雨
不轻易放弃

你要学着自己察乾泪滴
懂得如何跌倒再爬起
拥有鸟儿飞翔的毅力
从不轻易放弃

| a simple day. 7/10/2009 01:25:00 AM
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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Dunno y yesterday i feel pain. Today also feel pain. But where i dunno. Ran 6 rds ard sch. Swam 40 laps. Felt less pain. But still pain. But i still can't figure out whr.. Maybe if i do more the pain will go away. Energizer also will low-batt 1. Use to believe "As long as you don't stop, no matter how slow you go also will reach the finish point." But it's nt always the case. This is a run tht has no finish point. Kp on running the same old track even though the finish pt is on the other lane. Energizer is gg low-batt. Sometimes can see the finish pt but it appears to be juz a mirage when i'm near it. Need a water point. Guilt-striken tht i'm feeling this way but i cannt control. James mf is a bad fren. James mf is a bad gal. James mf is a stupid gal. James mf is sorry. =(

| a simple day. 7/07/2009 12:00:00 AM
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Saturday, July 4, 2009

Reached home very very "early" this morning.. cos had a long long chat.. was taken aback by wad wiseman had said over dinner.. at the same time guilty over some non-sch related issues.. didn't hear wad secret pal was talking the rest of the time cos mind occupied.. 1stly, gt a shock when wiseman told me tht he dun want me there cos i may have to pay back the times.. immdiately my whole body went cold. Cos i thot i will nt miss any other thing anymore.. cos it's gonna be over soon.. looking 4ward to the many many exp n activities to come has become my main motivation nowadays. In 5 wks time.. i'm counting down.. yet suddenly.. in the end it's nt true.. but tht's nt the main point. main point is.. he's trying to point out hw much, hw many times i've repeated this mistake.. main point is whether i still have credibility anot in the future if i continue like this n leave sch lidat.. "If only u can put as much time n effort into the work u are doing nw as u do in adventure club..." If only.. Ifs..

Pls dun add oil to fire n rub salt into wound. Didn't mean to "scold" u in front of everybody but i really cannt tk it anymore.. everytime ur tone is like can't wait to see trouble comes up in ppl.. if i've interpreted ur words the wrg way i have nth to say.. it's ur tone n words tht gets ppl on their nerves.. if nt other ppl at least it is for me.. if a person fall n break his legs do u ease his pain or still mockingly tell him,"See, who ask u to be so careless?" when he is in pain. He had learnt a painful lesson alr n all he need nw is a comforting word. Or at least silence. Can u like at least dun say anything if u can't be a peacemaker? N leave ppl alone if u can feel they are angry or shock or wadeva.. dun ask me y i say this.. dun ask me to give exmaples.. cos it has happened umpteen times.. i juz need time to cool down. Juz dun ask. Anything. Wadeva. Nxt time i will juz walk away n nt listen.

| a simple day. 7/04/2009 04:03:00 AM
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Friday, July 3, 2009

This wk flew pass very quickly.. so fast it's thu alr.. did rolling n i think i really gt psycho motor prob.. if concentrate on hip flick i wun do my sweep properly.. if do sweep my hip flick is gone.. most of time was swimming.. secret pal taught me hw to dive.. but still i went "piack" into the water.. face very very pain... but i like the jumping part.. cannt jump at berkelah at least can jump here.. very very nice feeling.. floated in the water head up.. long time nvr look at the sky like this.. cos everytime swimming will be at nite.. the sky would be pitch black n we are always swimming the proper strokes..

Had durian "water" after returning from plating at micro lab.. wasn't in time for the ice.. but had fun chatting outside clubrm.. when was the last time we did this? My memory stops at obt trainings.. we had sweets n played poker outside clubrm.. i had my mizuno blue sling bag back then n Carlos n Shaoyu kp complaining abt hw much noise my bag is mking with the amt of keychains hanging on it.. played bastard poker n i'm always the bastard.. min is always the "prostitute".. old man was always either the king or queen.. w/ Zhong Wen in the middle.. N we have the royal and beggar family.. haha.. after tht went to eat S11 n the 2 big eaters still add rice to their western food.. still rmb old man suddenly ask min do u see wad i see.. i think mf see alr.. n i thot all 3 of them eat chilli.. actually is all 3 of them are wearing addidas watch.. wahaha.. dumb me.. still act clever.. still rmb we climb the great wall of nanyang, did the sets.. started on the climbrun route n fufu fainted behind.. n venalie's tiny dumb bells wrapped in plastic bags.. still rmb playing egg, chick, chicken, super chicken w/ them in the pool.. i was beside being the final stage since i can't go in.. they have to pass me to reach heaven.. =p Still rmb i told them cannt speak to zhong wen in eng cos he wun understand.. his name is zhong wen.. then lifeguard said,"See, if u have this kinda ppl in ur club will u vomit blood anot.." wahaha.. guess i made a lot of ppl vomit blood in the past.. weird. Hw come i'm rmbing all these thingy.. haha.. dunno.. maybe really very long nvr talk outside clubrm like this alr.. then qy taught us guitar theories.. me n secret pal waited for tau huey to end work then eat dinner at S11..

Went to watch ice age 3 yesterday wif lifeguard, taufu n eugene.. was nice, cute n everything.. esp the baby mammoth bornt at the end.. i want to watch 2 movies - trail of the panda n threads of destiny.. but nobody seems to like them.. but i want to watch.. should i go alone then?

Today was a fruitful day.. went to the gym.. actually planned to run round the sch.. but in the end every1 wanted to go gymso might as well.. nt a bad thing too.. ran the treadmill for 42mins at spd 10.. then suddenly secret pal ask want to do aerobics not.. i thot is run ard sch so i say ok.. in the end turtle shell told me is the western lady teaching the aerobics in the dance rm.. omg.. my 1st time to aerobics class budden turtle shell said secret pal 1 guy inside paiseh so i went in as well.. at 1st was fine but after the step ups exercise came my weak point - my arms.. we were told to use wts.. but the smaller wts (2kg) were all taken by them.. me n secret pal had to tk the 4kg (me) n 5kg (secret pal).. i couldn't catch up with their pace n was like damn embarass.. nxt up is the abs exercise.. then the cool down.. i like her cool down cos she dimmed the lights n it's damn relaxing.. budden..i still prefer running.. ahha.. cos it's my forte.. n i dun want to demoralise other ppl if i can't do myself.. actually nw i noe.. i like sports tht is do 1self 1.. cos then others wun get affected by me n is otot.. no pressure.. no wonder i like cycling, swimming, running, kayaking.. cos they can be done alone n give me alot of thinking time..

Recently my quiet self came creeping back.. didn't realise tht till LL tht day saw me folding stars n say it's so nt me.. i'm lidat since last time juz tht nt in front of ppl.. reading, cross-stich, folding stars, drawing, piano.. all these used to be my hobbies too.. juz tht adv stuff took place n i became occupied tht i didn't have time for these.. nw all of them are coming back n i kinda like it.. though i dunno isit a gd thing.. let things be i guess.. as long as i'm at peace..

Tauhuey asked me y i looked so different in the past.. nw i start to ask myself y i become lidat.. suddenly wish i looked like my past but stay in the present in the heart.. dun like the pics i tk nw though they are happy memories..

Some phrases i saw..

- We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
-No matter hw gd a friend is, they're going to hurt u every once in awhile and, u must forgive them for that.
- True friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
- We should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
- Either you control your attitude or it controls you.
- Heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
- Best friends can do anything or nothing and yet have the best time.
- Background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
- You can't mk some1 love you. All you can do is be some1 who can be loved.
- I've learnt that u shouldn't compare urself to the best others can do, but to the best u can do.
- I've learnt that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.
- I've learnt that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always 2 sides.
- I've learnt that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
- I've learnt that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
- I've learnt that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learnt from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
- I've learnt that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
- I've learnt that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
- I've learnt that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.
- I've learnt that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Alot of things happened tht teaches me alot of other things n mk me see things in a clearer pic..I told it abt everything i think n feel.. think it understands me.. dun think i'm crazi ok.. i'm nt.. juz tht sometimes talking to an animal or even a non-living thing is beta than talking to human.. 1st- they dun understand y u feel tht way.. 2nd- human r complicated creatures (nt tht i'm nt 1..) so may get easily offended over things.. 3rd - sometimes u juz need to talk but ppl may nt be there to listen.. so sometimes talk to urself dun = crazi but = self-reflect.. tht's y i protect it.. dun understand y u all muz torture n torture it.. anyway it's gonna return to it's master soon.. i'm gonna get wad i always wanted since young for myself.. I'm waiting for 1 tht gt fate wif me =) Secret pal said he feel like getting "Dua" (Chips n Dale) so i'm waiting for "Satu".. Satu, Dua, Tiga.. wahaha.. Piglet is lima, but dunno she getting anot.. ok.. i noe ppl muz be feeling damn cold now.. nvm.. i talking rubbish again.. anyway thanx T-gal for listening n juz stay quietly by me..

| a simple day. 7/03/2009 01:00:00 AM
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+exits