+me

name.James.Ming Fei
gender.GaL
age.21
dob.26 jUl Leo-ian
school.NYP.Food.SciEnce
am.nature-lover
family.jaMes.fAmiLy & gIaM
buddies.many

lurves.
.james.famili
.sky
.clouds
.mountains
.waterfalls
.close.frens
.kbox
.all.sports

what i want.
.simple.life
.confidence
.trust
.dream.job
.nth else

what i don't want.
.false.frens
.ficker.minds
.lies
.tk.things.for.granted.ppl

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Yesterday was the commissioning of our seniors..it was a rush event as som1 had predicted..everything was last min..and there was quite some cork ups along the way..but those doesn't matter..at least our seniors really enjoyed it..doesn't matter how other ppl think or say..i guess i have being thinking too much of hw ppl feel and look at me tht's y sometimes made myself so miserable..as long as ppl close to u dun think of u tht way and stay with u, i guess it doesn't matter wad outsiders think (though we won't want to ruin our reputation also).. but ya..this occasion, though short, but is really meaning and important cos it recognizes the efforts tht our seniors had put in n this is the day they have worked so hard for i guess..it's quite an achievement to receive a plug for ur commitment and leave sth in the "A" book for your juniors to see..we had magic show (by Jit-Khai), rock n roll dance, slide shows played by the video man of the day, mushrm and songs played on guitar (by ikhsan and qy), not to forget speeches by our "mummy" (Kama) and our new president, Min. What i meant by i like the chemistry of our club when the slide shows are played is we know when to laugh and we laughed tgt knowing the joke, the meaning behind these pics while other ppl won't know cos they have nvr gone through these with us b4.. this is only unique to our club, our ppl..though dunno who always say all NYP students are members of ADC juz tht we are the ACTIVE members..ya..true.but we the ACTIVE members are so active tht sometimes we juz throw our sch work aside juz to mk these events possible, juz to get tgt with this family even though they r tired after a day of study or attachment..tht's juz hw bonded we are..we enjoy being tgt tht's y we are here..it's no longer about cca points or authority, it's about the companionship we were so used to have being with each other..it's about the passion we have in upholding the club i guess..hope tht this passion will last and stay 4eva in every1's heart..hope tht this bond will nvr break after the seniors have left..would be such a pity cos they have put in so much into building this family beginning with nothing at all..

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm a bit confuse nw..there's juz this empty feeling inside..like i'm..i don't know how to say..kp telling myself it's right to persist..my persistence is not stupid..it's my passion..kp telling myself to nt care wad others say..but sometimes, juz sometimes i really feel like..giving up..stop hoping..stop deluding myself..maybe i'm juz a passer-by..i feel...left out..juz..heard 1 of us telling hw much he have done for the event and yet it's like no1's helping him like tht..actually every1 is trying to help juz tht u dunno..juz tht u were away doing stuff outside n we were doing stuff in sch..but i guess i understand..cos sometimes i get this feeling also..n i don't say it cos i guess if u are doing sth for a club u love or for sth /some1 u love u won't feel tht u r doing everything..in fact u will feel tht u r obliged to do so cos it means sth to u..tht's wad i feel..tht's what i always tell myself when this feeling comes n it juz disappears..but i know maybe it's the recognition we want, the recognition to tell us tht we are nt left out..tht we belong, tht we are cared for..please some1, juz some1 help me kp this believe..tell me i'm nt stupid..tell me to carry on..walk on..move on..i don't want to let go of sth i have loved so much for the past 10 mths..cos i can't imagine wad's life gonna be w/o it..n also believe tht i have my reasons for doing things be it stupid anot..juz believe me this once without me having to tell the reason..juz like i've believed in u..

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

比想象中更痛
你真的没回头
我命令眼泪不许失控
回忆不跟你走
都挤在我心中
我就有责任让它值得被珍重
谢谢你曾让我难过
谢谢我没有想太多
当爱情左盼右顾的时候
我眼泪都笑了
谁还想哭呢
再勇敢地站着
找回光和热
面对你的时候
我不会舍不得
因为你已是过客
因为路有些曲折 是美的

心碎成了沙漠 就快开凿绿洲
我没有时间不知所措
你温柔的双手
本就不属于我
又何必在乎它以后属于谁呢
谢谢你曾让我难过
谢谢我没有想太多
当爱情左盼右顾的时候

我眼泪都笑了
谁还会哭呢
来不及完美的
就唱首离歌
想起你的时候
我不是卑微的
反而我没有遗憾
因为我已爱过你 深深的

| a simple day. 1/31/2009 09:51:00 AM
-----------------------------------




Thursday, January 29, 2009

Had a..hmm..how to say...gd yet also a bad day...gd becos i accomplish a few tasks..bad becos the day ended sadly, glumily, anything but happily..i had to motivate myself to move on..to do things faster..cannt kp dragging n dragging..i can't believe i actually sat at the canteen from 9am all the way to 3pm with juz a cup of coffee n a glass of soymilk to finish some of my assignments..actually certain things can be done fast if u want to..juz tht dunno y the past few months i have been feeling very..no motivation to do things..maybe cos most of the topics i study nw are nt y i entered fd science for in the 1st place except for nutrition science..machineries are foreign to me and all the topics are like..analytical methods..fd packaging..fd processing..omg..dun tell me i'm gonna take advanced fd processing for my elective nxt nxt sem..i'm so gonna die if i do..esp for the calc part..will die..haiz..haven try then say die..nt like me at all..but ya..hope i can get advanced nutrition science =) Though a lot of ppl will suffer if they dun have the passion for nutrition science cos there's gonna be quite a bit of memorising work..i am like..wad the hell am i study machineries for when wad i wanna be is a nutritionist? But becos the course says so..becos the system says so..becos the society says u muz get a degree to be a nutritionist so i am here..haiz..tht's reality i guess..if only i can be wad i wanna be..there's this phrase i saw b4,"Think of what you wanna be, then do what u need to do to achieve it." Sounds ez..but when i actually set myself into doing it..it ain't tht ez and at point of times i juz feel like giving up and throwing everything aside..luckily there's always some1 for me to work hard for..maybe can try finding a person u want to work hard for..then motivation will come..kk, i'm talking to myself again..ending here..2mr will be a better (*cross fingers*) (and long) day...

| a simple day. 1/29/2009 12:23:00 AM
-----------------------------------




Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Yoz, did some changes to my blog now..rite in the middle of the nite..haha..yeah..coz can't slp..wad changes i've made i guess can't be seen but heard..yup yup..change the background music to a song i've like n we've been singing esp during my pri 5 n 6..dunno aeng u still rmb anot..haha..i'm like repeating n repeating this song for heaven's sake n nobody actually stopped me!! Haha..Yeah..it's called "Xi Shui Chang Liu" meaning everlasting friendship..can't bear to change my blogskin so change the background music but if u guys wanna read my blog in peace then sorri, u juz hafta turn off ur comp sound..but i dun see y cos this song's really sweet to the core if u know what it means..Below is the translation i've made..N it's also dedicated to the outgoing seniors, be it in food science or adc n to my classmates too cos guess we won't be seeing each other often after we leave for our attachment..

年少时候 谁没有梦 无意之中 你将心愿透露
就在你的生日的时候 我将小小口琴送
最难忘记 你的笑容
友情的细水慢慢流 流到了你我的心中
曾在球场边为你欢呼 你跌伤我背伏
夜里流星飞渡 想像着他日的路途
晚风听着我们壮志无数
年少时候 谁没有愁 满腔愤慨 唯有你能听得懂
就在我失意的时候 你将那首歌吹奏
琴声悠悠 解我轻忧
岁月的细水慢慢流 流到了别离的时候
轻拍你的肩 听我说朋友不要太惆怅
霓陉纵然再嚣张 我你的步履有方向
成败不论去莫将昔日遗忘
多年以后 又再重逢 我们都有了疲倦的笑容
问一声我的朋友 何时再为我吹奏
是否依旧 是否依旧
人生的际遇千百种 但有知心长相重
人愿长久 水愿长流 年少时候

Who doesn't have dreams when they are young? 1 day u told me about yours secretly.
So I gave you a harmonica as your birthday gift and the smile on your face is unforgettable to me.
River of friendship flows, flows into both our hearts.
Once I was cheering for you on the basketball court, when you fall, I'll always be there to carry you.
In the night where shooting stars fall, we think of our future, even the wind hears our ambitions.
Who doesn't have worries when we were young? Only you can understand my fears and woes.
Just when I'm sad and down, you played a song on the harmonica for me.
The music seems too have soothe all my worries.
As the river of time flows by, flows till the time when we need to part..
I gave you a tap on the shoulder to tell you not to be too sad.
No matter how proud the sun is going to be, our footsteps will always know where they are heading towards to..
No matter we succeed or fail in the future, don't forget the memories we once had together.
After many years, we met again. Tired smiles are imprinted on our faces.
I asked you, "Hey, my friend, when are you gonna play (the song) for me again?"
Will it be the same? The same again?
Don't fear the many different experiences we will encounter in our lives for there will always be the accompany of true friends..
May our friendship lasts just like the river will always flow..

| a simple day. 1/28/2009 03:03:00 AM
-----------------------------------

Back from my cny visit =) N i'm happy to say tht i've had a meaningful 1..so glad tht paisehness, guiltness, awkwardness, anything tht i felt didn't keep me away..becos of sth some1 said n the "mother" of us, yr 1 of adc, told me..n hey, i pulled through today..didn't think i can survive but didn't wanna disappoint them too..it's new year..shouldn't be separated..a lot of things we have to try i guess..hafta try even though u know u will feel terrible but if u would juz throw away those stupid feelings, things may turn out better..n it did for me..i guess i was a lot more cheerful than the past me n i guess tht's wad ppl want to see n are happy to see who i am now..it juz takes tht little bit to break the ice..N it's not all about me only..can see a lot of changes in a lot of ppl..they are happier too i guess..every1's have live life the way they want n are suppose to...as long as every1 stays happy, i'm happy too =) i'm still trying even though i dun really dare to talk to him..dunno y..but luckily kama's words repeated themselves in my mind n after i left i did pluck up the courage to send tht msg..it's really not tht i don't wanna talk is juz tht i..dunno hw to say..juz cannt...didn't really know some1's words can be so powerful to mk me 4gt all my fears..no wonder i love this family (ADC) so much..hey, i kp saying n saying i love them u guys don't feel i'm too rou ma k? Cos it's really fr the bottom of my heart..haha..n hey, tht name pulled me through today!! Today is a happy day for me =) Cos I'm nt afraid as long as i know u are all there for me esp some1,2 or even 3 =p Happy New Year n take care!!!!

| a simple day. 1/28/2009 12:26:00 AM
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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Blogging here b4 i leave for visiting...suddenly, juz suddenly miss the smiles of adcians..long to see them again..dunno y the feeling juz came so sudden...maybe cos their smiles are so sincere..their laughters are so contagious..it's being..2 days..61 hrs w/o them..hey, when did i become so attach to them..dunno when..tht doesn't matters too i guess..felt so gd..so gd to be able to pour everything out to a fren yesterday..felt like a heavy stone lifted fr my shoulders..but nw, i'm still afraid of sth..juz a feeling of fear i cannt get off..kp repeating a name under my breath to kp me gg on..to mk me stay n nt run away..tht's hw i manage to pass the fear, the guilt i finally realised..it's nt the awkwardness but the guilt..tht's kping me further n further away..i was so close to calling some1, juz any1 to talk to me..juz to hear a familiar voice..but i didn't in the end cos every1 muz have being at the dining table at tht time..hope tht name tht i believed in n trusted so much can pull me through today...

| a simple day. 1/27/2009 11:44:00 AM
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Saturday, January 24, 2009

To forget you - A book that send me on roller coaster ride yesterday..spent a whole day reading it..was actually only on the 1st few pgs only the day before..i kept carrying the book around with me for almost quite a month yet i have nvr found the time to read it..judging from the cover, it seems to be the less appealing books out of all Low Kay Hwa's books yet after finish reading it i found it to be the closest to my heart..had some time to read the book while waiting for the dye to soaked into the Velcro..after the 1st 20mins of reading i found my tears just roll down voluntarily cos the feelings the author had portrayed on Tan Zhi Jie are somehow..very touching..very very touching..i moved a corner to continue reading..and..the more i went deeper into the story, the more coincident i felt it was..how can the story be so close..so close to real life..to wad ppl feel..to wad i feel to be exact..though i dun have cue-dependent forgetting syndrome like Tan Zhi Jie has..and i don't record the things we've done in a mp3 though i do in my blog..but i don't refer to it for memories for they are always on my mind..it was up to pg 76 tht this feeling wasn't tht overwhelming...cos the 2 characters were tgt alr but we are not..yet the feelings of Tan Zhi Jie is still there..i continued reading the book after i've reached back to the place i've been living for the past 9 mths n sat down there to finish reading the book..didn't know y i did tht for..maybe juz hoping to see some1 whom i have nt seen/talk to for the past 53 hrs..sounds crazy to many ppl i guess but recently after hearing stories from other ppl or reading them then i realize how much things a person can do for another no matter how stupid it seems to outsiders..yet all these seemed so negligible to the person doing things cos all he/she wants is to see the smile on the ones they love..the book sent me into laughters n cries..laughters cos what Tan Zhi Jie did was similar to what i sometimes do and it looks silly as the things we've done is actually not wad tht person likes but juz to capture his/her attention..silly things tht will mk him/her smile..and cries because he's love was so deep yet in the end they still have to part..



Shouldn't have cried as i've told myself to be my happy self again..nvr to cry again..to be motivated in my studies again.. But this time it's nt tears of sadness, maybe a tinge, it's tears of empathy i guess.."As long as there's still love, there will be hope..but what if there's no more life?" Tht's the question Fang Ling asked herself when she thot Zhi Jie left her becos he had cancer juz like his father did..N Zhi Jie's mum actually replied her,"It doesn't matter how long is the love. What matters most is how deep is your love." If your love had once being deep, so deep..then what does the length matters? There are couples who are married for 18 yrs yet their love cannt reach tht of superman n superwoman's 8 yrs love. It's enough for her to know that. Will not disclose the ending as u will have to read it urself to feel the true meaning of the story..



A part from the story:



When u fall in love, u get controlled by ur emotions, do the silliest and stupidest things.

You follow what ur emotions tells u to do and ur emotions are controlled by the person u deeply love.

Only laugh becos he laughs, cries when he cries.

Feelings are so strong that u wonder hopelessly what had happened to you.

| a simple day. 1/24/2009 04:19:00 AM
-----------------------------------




Friday, January 23, 2009

Today is the last day of sch of the yr, in lunar calendar. Thinking back, this yr is really a turning point of my life for me..only 2 perhaps 3 ppl will know y..nt the 1 i kp mentioning in my blog..cos juz didn't feel the need to let xx know..but nw i dunno..anyway, to some ppl, i've changed for the worse which i dun deny..cos i've seem to lost the dedication to my sch wk..no longer as hard working as i was in yr 1..n sth else...used to be handing in every 1 of my reports in time..used to know wad's gg on in class though i did fell aslp during class at tht time too..used to stick to home..used to rush home very early..for the wrg reason..i dun think u all know wad i'm talking abt..nvm..dunnid to know..but ever since this yr..i've experience wad's it like to be ard ppl..to be surrounded by frens again..tht's y i'm so scared off losing them again..actually i know the reason y i'm so scared of losing them juz tht i didn't acknowledge it till recently..2 of my frens told me sth similar..u cannt always do the things u enjoy doing only..u muz prioritize..reports muz be handed in no matter u like to do it or nt..serious stuff have to be done 1st b4 u enjoy doing wad u want to do..but i always think the other way..tht's y if u r in my class u wun like me cos i always hand in reports late..tht's y i'm always ard those ppl nt in my class..i was tired of my life..my very systematic life..used to go sch, study, go home, bath, watch tv, slp. - the end..n the nxt day i wake up everything will be the same again..i was tired of it. Was. There's a reason behind all these..it's nt as simple as u see it. Nt juz becos.....Then i escape into a life full of adventure..went waterfalls, mountains..nite cycling (no, i dun do them everyday..nt even recently), runs on sundays, events in sch..everyday of my life is different..it is so different fr the life i've had for the past 7 yrs..the last time i was as happy as i went for berkelah waterfall was in my pri sch..n i've nvr nvr let any1 in poly know y ...nvm..tht doesn't matter also..y do i always seem so happy-go-lucky? Back to the kama's phrase - when the thing u can't get is normal, everything else u have is privilege. Tht's y i can be easily made happy juz by the little things all of u think is normal/abnormal/weird/wadeva..no1 will understand unless u have gone thru wad i've gone thru..maybe it's ez actually juz tht i've complicated things..enuff said..dunnid to explain anything..juz felt tht if u knew the truth maybe u would see me in a different light..a bad, darker light which i dun want u to see.. but maybe u should know..

4gt abt the things..juz let me be happy for 1 day..a bunch of my classmates did tht..i thot they didn't want me to join them alr..hey, but i did =) Had a "reunion dinner" with them at pizza hut juz nw..I was lame to a point tht i cannt be any lamer..haha..can fight with fiona =p There were 7 of us - DS, Ria, LL, Fiona, Pat, fatimah n me..Yup yup, fatimah..no wrg..ur eyes nt blind..haha..kk, jj.. =p It's actually ok..juz tht we are like nt talking to each other..no initiative to talk to each other so it's like very awkward since i hand up fdpp report late tht time..n i lost all the motivation to work as a grp in proj 3 with her n also was super super down tht time tht i juz went MIA..cos of some reason n i juz felt like a "foreigner" inside n when i dun feel in tht grp i juz lost my heart in doing the proj..but luckily LL woke me up the day b4..i muz admit tht i haven been putting as much effort as i've had for proj 1 n 2..until the day b4 i stayed back to try to help another grp then LL suddenly asked me y i seem to be more helpful to other grps than my own grp? Then i ask myself y? Cos they are more friendly towards my help..feel more comfortable working with them cos if u r working with some1 u dun really talk to there's no communication n i find it no point to do things tgt..but LL said u cannt always only do things u like..juz like in workforce u cannt choose who is ur partner..if u dun like then do u juz quit ur job? N another prob tht i realize is..i didn't try to go break the ice myself..i didn't try to accept..somemore it's my wrg in the 1st place..juz tht she's tht some1 who's sensible n harsh enuff to point tht out..tht's y i was back on hands b4 the exhibition..i found my motivation back to get on with work..it's actually quite ok working with them..juz tht i didn't try..it was also ok at the dinner..everything seems ok again..n i've finished n submitted some of my reports today..written down all the datelines of all the leftover projs n reports tht have to be done n hope tht i can finish them on time at least for this last stretch of this sem..dunno can anot..but gt ppl say b4 if u believe u can do the thing u believe u can do it, u can do the things u believe u can do. =p Really need to try then u will know the outcome n not sit there n feel dejected..tht's nt the original me n will nt let tht become of me..Yup yup..i juz want to be my cheerful self again..nt tht i've rewind the tape..nope..it has nvr rewind..maybe a bit..but it juz gt stuck there..entangled..dun understand also nvm..

After tht went kbox with LL, Fiona..only the 3 of us..didn't plan tht initially..juz felt like gg..felt like singing my lungs out..the best thing is it's ladies nite though the discount wasn't a lot..but it's worth it..it's really LADIES nite..tht i wun explain..but we had fun singing in rm no. 53..sometimes i think, isit becos the songs speaks of wad's in our heart so we like it so much? Maybe some of them are..in the midst of reading a story of Low Kay Hwa - To forget you.. it says "Before i met you, i wondered why all the lyrics in love songs were so exaggerated? Why would a person cry for another person for hours? How could a person love another person so deeply that it becomes an obsession? When I realized I had fallen deeply in love with you, I finally understood that songs, novels, and movies are just reflections of life inspired by the writers' true stories." Maybe this is wad it means..to all of us..LL keep relating every songs to ppl we know..then realize hw true the lyrics can be sometimes..kk..gonna stop here..cannt let my emotions over ride me again..nitez ~

Below is a very cool song..nt wad i am but wad i want to become..cos she has a lot of confidence in herself..really like the way she portray herself in this song..she's liu li yang..another song of hers also very nice, chuan shuo..

我就是这样 天马行空的磁场
或许你还不习惯 我在等你变成拍档
我就是这样 注定和你不一样
谢谢你欣不欣赏 我的风格是限量
摊开的手掌 柔软又刚强
（十指纤长 指尖藏着一股力量）
安静的目光 温柔却也狂放
（眼神明亮 有好多话想对你讲）
我独特的模样 是全新的信仰
我就是这样 天马行空的磁场
或许你还不习惯 我在等你变成拍档
我就是这样 注定和你不一样
谢谢你欣不欣赏 我的风格是限量
你不会躲在 不长不短的裙摆
耍无赖太依赖 都不符合你的心态
乖乖早过了时代 怪怪才有人青睐
不需要表态 让大家慢慢猜
既古代又现代 爱HIP HOP也爱李白
是女孩像男孩 这次出场注定精彩
我嗅到英雄神采 我瞄到美人姿态
多变的节拍 接下来该是你拽
诗人的滥觞 刻板的印象
（没有文字 足以介绍你的出场）
你爱晒太阳 我赏我的月亮
(井水河水 各自徜徉各的海洋 )
想发出一道光 让世间不平凡
我就是这样 天马行空的磁场
或许你还不习惯 我在等你变成拍档
我就是这样 注定和你不一样
谢谢你欣不欣赏 我的风格是限量
温柔 倔强 勇敢 都是我
我拥有太多 不同基因
安静 吵闹 沉默 都是我
分钟 不同的颜色

| a simple day. 1/23/2009 12:45:00 AM
-----------------------------------




Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dunno y i tell myself to go away..told my bad feelings to go away but they juz wun..my stupid heart..there it goes again..i hate it..really hate it..alot of things i really wanna juz say it out but i can't cos i dun have the right to..i'm nt fit to..maybe u all dun understand wad i'm talking about if any1 is reading these rubbish..no1 will understand..i need to tell some1..i really need to talk but i cannt say these to tht some1 cos in the 1st place i'm nt fit to feel this way..i told myself to juz walk away if there's a need to..i told myself i cannt show everything on my face...but i juz..i fear tht day will come..tht day tht i will hear...i dunno hw to face it..but if tht day comes, i really hope they can tell me..juz let me know..i always feel extra when i'm with my frens..i juz feel tht i'm in between them..i dun wanna be a barrier..i went for a run juz to clear my mind of stupid thots...ended up sitting down somewhere cos i really need to think abt things..really have to make it clear to myself tht i shouldn't feel this way..even if 1 day my fren will no longer be by my side i must nt cry or fear..i kp telling myself i can walk alone, i dun mind walking alone, i dun mind being alone..i must be brave enough to be alone..whoever reading must be thinking hw tough can it be to live alone..must be laughing at my stupid fears..but i've learnt tht each person has his own fears n priorities..this is my fear..my biggest fear is nt cockroaches, serious..my greatest fear is to live w/o my fren..ya..he's my fren only..but yet i'm afraid to live w/o him..kp telling myself to stop depending on him, stop following him ard..i'm tired of telling myself tht alr cos it doesn't work..if only any1 can tell me how..how to live w/o another person..i would be happy enough to listen..n try to learn hw to 4gt..please dun be angry wif me if i kp showing u sad face..cos i'm trying to kp it n take out my smiles n laughters..i dun want to see you unhappy..

黑夜滲透了思念 偷不走微光閃現的千種畫面
我背著傷痛離開 孤單拖著記憶 支離破碎
原以為不會改變 眼淚在臉頰上乾枯失去知覺
我的心掙脫了愛 跟隨著夕陽埋進了海洋
為什麼相愛的人卻又為愛而紛爭
現實的翅膀擾亂原本幸福的氣氛
我有我的過錯 我有我的疑惑
藏在面對面的折磨背後
為什麼讓愛躲進烏雲密佈的天空
隨著風漂流在外一點一點的散落
慢慢遠離的夢 漸漸冷卻冰封
心痛當初相遇的心動

| a simple day. 1/21/2009 12:51:00 AM
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Monday, January 19, 2009

Still cannt slp though very tired alr..though i've slept throughout the day but i'm still very tired..guess my mind didn't really rest even though my eyes are closed..cried myself to slp..wake up crying again..guess i'm a cry baby to every1..i dunno y i cry so much recently..it's not a thing i can control anymore.. i used to control it well..at least in front of other ppl..i'm back to square 1..no matter it's frenship or sch work..i'm back to square 1..everything's getting fr bad to worse n worse to worst..i always tell ppl to look on the bright side of things but when it comes to myself i find it so hard to do so..even using my old methods doesn't help at all..doesn't help..nth can cheer myself up n i dunno y..i should be enjoying every moments i'm in the club now cos IAP n FYP is nearing n i wun be able to spend much time with this family anymore..commissioning is nearing too..seniors will be stepping down..but yet..i am nt happy, not cherishing the last few moments i have with them..keep letting sad face appearing in front of the ppl i love..n nw i guess..i dunno..i noe nth....i'm so helplessly down..i dun want to be left out yet i'm having the feeling of being left out..is tht the truth? Can some1 tell me tht it's juz me thinking too much? Even if it's a lie i would be happy enough..i'm lying on my bed nw yet i cannt slp cos all i think is..abt him...the last time i saw him he was unhappy..very..n i guess i'm the cause of it..i'm thinking of reasons, excuses..telling myself it's okay, it's gonna be over soon..i'm nt really the cause of it but i still kp walking back to the same point..everything is not okay, nt fine n i've made him unhappy..i hate myself for being so touchy n sensitive..y have i become lyk tht? Isit becos i care too much? Or isit becos i dun wanna lose him? There are alot alot of reasons but none of them are valid..they are juz excuses for me to be selfish i guess..i dunno hw i will get pass today, this wk or even this month..nxt month, nxt 1 yr w/o him..dunno...juz waiting for a miracle to happen..Dun be sad, i will always be your star..juz look up n i will be there. But if u dunnid me anymore then dunnid to look up, i will be out of ur sight then.

最怕空气突然安静 最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆 突然翻滚绞痛着 不平息
最怕突然 听到你的消息

Emo Spidy

| a simple day. 1/19/2009 03:48:00 AM
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Sunday, January 18, 2009

Unhappy..cos i've made my fren unhappy..cannt smile cos he's unhappy..or maybe even angry..didn't meant to pull a glumy face..but i dunno y i'm becoming more n more touchy these few days..more n more xiao qi..a bit of things can mk me snap at other ppl..i really dun wanna to be so moody..really dun want..AL, sorry for snapping at u at the end of Synergy..really sorry..cos..i just feel tht i'm nt needed anymore..lyk nobody needs me anymore..nobody wants me anymore..dunno y i just felt this way..i noe i'm too sensitive..it's juz the depositing of bikes yet i can be so petty..but it's really nt on purpose..really not on purpose..n really felt lousy cos a lot of errors at our cp..and it's like everytime i do runs there's bound to be mistakes or cork ups..climb run is mostly qy do n tell me wad to do..so nth seriously really happened..campus road run i didn't manage to put up the banners n cones in time..n synergy i actually lost my volunteers..i can't believe this happened..really stupid..but the thing tht i'm really unhappy about is..i pulled a glummy face in front of my fren..i didn't want to do so but..dunno..juz felt extra..tried to smile..tried to laugh..but lyk there's nth for me to smile or laugh about..felt so fake if i smile..n i'm really very tired of acting tht i dun care..but on the other hand, i dun even fit to be unhappy cos i'm nt anybody to any1 so y should i be unhappy? But at points of times i juz felt extra..juz felt tht my presence is too annoying for my fren..juz felt tht my fren dun want me ard anymore..i dunno if i write these he will be even more angry anot..but i juz wanna explain y i put on a glummy face..it's not on purpose..really not on purpose..perhaps u r rite to say tht i dun care about others feelings i guess..i juz show wad i feel n didn't think of wad others will feel..i did try to get away fr my fren..should i stop following u ard? Should i juz 4gt abt it? I noe i can't do it but if i repeat tht to myself maybe i can do it..If u r reading, I just want to say sorry if i've made u unhappy...i swear i will not show u glummy face anymore..the most i juz walk away nxt time if i noe it's coming back..

我可以很久不和你连络
任日子一天天这么过
让自己忙碌可以当作藉口
逃避想念你的种种软弱

我可以学会对你很冷漠
为何学不会将爱没收
面对你是对我最大的折磨
这些年始终没有对你说

爱你越久我越被动
祉因你的爱居无定所
是你让我的心慢慢退缩
退到你看不见的角落

爱你越久我越被动
祉因我的爱不再为你挥霍
是我让我的心失去自由
却再也没有勇气放纵

| a simple day. 1/18/2009 01:07:00 PM
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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Here to blog about our (ADC) trainings n activities..Yesterday was Mt K training..N the 1st activity alr can mk u tired and if u die, u will most probably die of laughing though i also almost died of running around..haha..we played islanders..dunno hw to explain but those who played before should know you will run till u drop no matter u r the catcher or the runner..The way Min ran really made me laugh until dunno where..damn cute sia..then zul n helmi also stop it sia..know we cannt run then slowly walk until we almost reaching them then start to run away again..haha..had great fun laughing..After tht we went to the staircase to do sets..run up stairs then muz come down in 1 min..then after tht we played team challenge..gt sprints n piggy back..then after tht went to gym..then bathe alr go eat mac..today was the race clinic..n quite a no. of ppl came for it..so happy to know tht we have 74 teams now.. =D 1st thing reached there then clara took the ground sheet out to lay on the floor..really wad..if the equipments alr meant for adventure stuff somemmore the grass also not wet n not dirty then the ground sheet for wad sia..i still dunno..Then Tess, Kama, mushrm started rigging up on top ..me, clara, Khaizurah started rigging up below..Had a chance to abseil down cos 1 guy came without his partner.. =p Fun sia..n this time i not so scared alr..guess it's becos i've gone thru the 15m OSIM tower @ ubin n the tower @ SAFRA Yishun...so gt immune to it alr..Gt 1 team super funny..they call themselves rush hour..n they really look like the real Jackie Chan n Chris Tucker in the movie cos really 1 black 1 chinese..not to be racist..haha..After the clinic, we went up to the volunteers' briefing n the racers briefing..when i saw nadiah n helmi brief..i was lyk..omg..they actually can be so steady..as compared to my volunteers briefing..i really cannt mk it..The racers briefing made me think if the SAFRA adVventura briefing..the R n R were about the same..juz tht the racers here didn't really ask questions so i dunno if helmi will answer in the irritating way like the MElvin Lim did during the SAFRA AdVventura briefing..haha..then after tht went to eat mac with ADCians..mac..i didn't really like mac actually but i grew to love it when i came into adventure club..not becos i grew to lyk the food but i lyk to eat with the ppl here..cos very fun..like family.. =) I love this family..

Noh asked y am i so sentimental lately..i said,"Where gt?" But i did think about it..ya..y? Y am i so happy when i'm with them yet so sad..? It's like the more happy i am the more sad i become..i'm really too emotional but i can't help it..i want to 4gt sth but i juz can't let it go..it's juz sth in my heart tht's pulling it down..i kp trying n trying but i nvr succeed in 4gtting..maybe i juz dun wanna 4gt..dunno y sth/some ppl is juz so irritating at times..can be the source of my happiness yet sometimes mk me sad..but i still lyk it/her/him..y isit so illogical? How? I dunno how..stupid cm..is every cm tht bad? Isit becos different time so cannt see some1 so i so sad? Ya..i think..nope..i confirm it's a yes..it's like..i dunno how to say..juz like 2 parallel lines will nvr meet each other yet they are so close in distance..are we gg to drift apart? Are we gg to be like strangers? Are we gg to say gdbye soon? I dun lyk, i dun want, i dun want it tht way..can?
I keep telling myself i'm nt gg to be sad..i'm gg to cherish evry moment we have..but everytime..everytime only..my mind will drift very far out..to think of wad isit gg to be like w/o some1 after 1 1/2mth...will i be able to pull through 1 more yr by relying on purely memories we've had? I dunno..really really dunno..nt joking =(

Today some1 scared me n made me sad..flare up then nvr say reason..stop it sia..lyk i made u angry lyk tht then i dun even noe y..then nxt moment ok again..can say anot..my fault nt my fault can say anot..haiz..4gt it..2mr will be a better day..hope so *cross fingers*

| a simple day. 1/14/2009 11:41:00 PM
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Sunday, January 11, 2009

Today's my 1st ever adventure race..juz woke up from a deep deep sleep..didn't even bathe b4 i lie on my bed (sounds disgusting..) but i juz cannt get up once i touch the bed..haha.. Hafta start rite fr the beginning..i wrote here last nite to ask ppl to wake me up at 3am rite? Well, no1 did but my partner did n he's non other than mushrm!! Took uncle's van early in the morning (4am) to dairy farm. Uncle's driving skills was so pro that we reached there at about 4.30am n...the registration time is..(drum roll)..5am! Haha..we are the 2nd n 3rd person to reach there..(can't believe there's actually another person as crazi as us to reach there so early..) We waited till about 4.55am then we registered n collect n assess our bikes cos they were rented..Though i rode the bike the day b4 but this time is on grass patch n i couldn't really control the bike when it went down slope n i couldn't ride up slope..i was lyk..huh? Then hw i ride the bike on the rocky terrain? (Cos mushrm said will be worse than the grass patch..) But since i was alr there so muz at least give it a try ba..i guess..anyway gt mushrm here to guide so dunnid to scared.. we sat on the grass patch eating breakfast..erm..ham n cheese sandwich..though it wasn't very nice cos the bread hardened becos of the cheese i microwaved..n i didn't noe cannt eat cheese in the morning cos will stomachache..i didn't get stomachache though but mushrm gt..paiseh..i dunno wad..=p the most nxt time i mk sth else k? ^^ Y It's really super cold at dairy farm in the morning...shiver~~..nvr even warm up..mushrm thot gt abseiling n should be at the 1st few cp but then i thot i rmb nt seeing abseiling in our discipline so dunno whether to wear the harness to run anot..but wear harness run like very uncomfortable..so in the end we tried our luck - didn't wear harness 1st..but see other participants, even novice gt wear harness run then hesitated a bit..if gt abseiling later then i die..haha..luckily dun have =p so "Bang bang bang!" -> not me die =p Kk, we finally started off when my watch reads 7.26am..We ran quite a distance, not very long..but mushrm carried the bag very heavy..we only shared 1 bag cos team biathalon the cycling 1 can carry the bag to cycle then the running can dunnid bag..so it's quite tiring for him..luckily we reached the bikes very fast then better cos mushrm better with bikes..we then began cycling on the mountain trail n it's SERIOUSLY a MOUNTAIN trail..a lot of rocks especially sharp 1s tht will puncture ur tires..we even saw 1 team stopped to pump their tires along the way..mushrm gt say b4 the race, if u dun always put ur wt on the seat then wun have so much pressure on the tires = tires wun get puntured easily.. I juz follow wad he do along the trail..he cycle then i cycle, he stop n push then i stop n push..so can survive the rocky terrain..we cycled past cp1 then came to cp 2..gt a shock..cos 1 partner need to piggy back another 1 to the other side then solve rubics cube..oh no..i very heavy..die..tht's y i dun dare to jump onto mushrm's back..stop it sia..but in the end he juz grabbed my legs n go..scary sia..luckily the distance not very long..then we started solving rubics cube..QINY YING!!! We need u!!!! Haha..nvr teach us full stunt!!! We dunno hw to do..at 1st i gt very kan chiong..then mushrm also a bit kan chiong as time past cos we only gt 10 mins to solve it..no matter hw i turn only gt 5 same colour..mushrm gt 7..then the person juz told us if nt solved, after 10 mins we can go..chey..no dq n no penalty time..juz tht if we finish b4 10 mins we can go..
After 10 mins up, we continued cycling to another cp..dairy farm is seriously damn nice to live in lo.. is like a whole big patch of grass n hill in front of u..it's really damn nice to camp there..cos there is very peaceful n quiet..next cp..cp3..tht's where we did the team biathalon..we were given a map n were supposed to navigate ourselves into the jungle trail n back to the shelter..mushrm cycled n i run..but if u all thot run is tiring then u all r WRONG..cos in the jungle u cannt possibly cycle 1..a lot of trees, branches, grasses, up slopes..so basically the cyclist have to carry the bike through some areas, which is a lot..i didn't know until we were inside..stop it sia..mushrm was the 1 carrying the bike..it's worse than stong i tell u..luckily we made it through the trail..then when we were walking out..we walked past a "river" then the road marshall didn't even direct us in..mushrm ask him do we have to cross the river but he juz ask us to go ahead with the path..so we went..but on the other side the volunteer say we must walk through the river..stop it sia..so we headed back then walk through the river..haha..but it was quite fun lah..we started walking from this point cos mushrm say muz conserve energy for the elements behind..so we juz walk only..haha..along the way can see ppl taking out power gel to eat alr..guess wad i brought? WORMS..haha..not the real worms lah..is the sugar wormys =p Nice wad..we always bring tht for expeditions 1 wad =p Also can rite? On the way back to the shelter alr can see a lot of casualties..gt 1 man chin gt injured quite badly on the look of it..but he still insist on continue racing (thinny said he even have to stretch out his arms for his partner to put on his life vest for him at the kayaking checkpoint cos his arms also gt cuts..) also saw a girl collapse on the biking trail in the middle of the road..at the endpoint we also saw a man area below the nose gt injured n the side of his face is bleeding..omg..they muz have chiong until lyk dunno wad..after we deposited our only bike at the youth box there, we started the walk to khatib open "lake"..yup..we walked..so what? Haha..our speed also almost the same as those jogging lo..cos they jogged quite slow also so mushrm said might as well conserve energy..haha..we also saw our senior's senior's senior..dunno wad is his name but he recognise mushrm..on the way we also went pass "SAO office" , blk E lvl 4, not exactly the same as the 1 in NYP where all our meetings are held..shhhh...secret k? Mr Wilfred will kill me if he knows what's tht place i talking about..haha..N who says vulgarities are not to be allow in adventure races? It must be allowed for ppl to vent their frustration n to ease their tiredness..not tht i gt scold lah..but the 1 beside me kp scolding n scolding along the way..haha..lyk a bit nt paiseh lyk tht..stop it sia..along the way we also see a lot of ppl still wearing harnesses to run..gt 1 even wear wrg..then some adjusting their harnesses..guess it's really uncomfortable to wear harnesses n run ba..luckily we not so stupid..haha..also saw a lot of road marshalls wearing real run shirt..same as us..all supporters of real run (^^) Y..after walking lyk 1 1/2 hr..we finally reached cp5..the kayaking cp..char was there to sign in sign out for us..=) Only 1 paddle was allowed to paddle the 2 seaters slalom..stop it sia..my kayaking skills still a bit lousy..everytime go left right left right..but i swear i can go straight on single kayak ok..really lo..haha..mushrm kayak most of the time cos i too slow..paiseh lah..will try (TRY) to improve k? Then after tht we started to walk again..walk to safra yishun..there we did the air rifle shooting..ya..i think almost every1 used 2 bullets only..only i used 4 bullets..but this is my 1st time ok..not bad alr ok.. =p Will improve on it by gg arcade more often =p After the shooting then is rock climbing..only a short distance..of course mushrm climbed very fast lah..still need to say meh..after tht we chiong to the finishing point..YEAH!!!! Haha..n we gt our finisher medal..although we didn't get in top 3 but we gt 5th (^^) Y There's another secret behind..cannt say.. =p Actually the best reward is tht we finish n completed all checkpoints + came back without serious injuries lyk those who are really competitive n chiong-sters..minor scratches on mushrm's legs n aches on his back n cramps on his thigh..i only toe n arch pain (cos of my shoe n old prob) cos he carried the bag most of the time..actually can say is all the time.. to think i still misunderstood tht he doesn't care about this race at all cos he act lyk he dunno anything but actually he know de lo..really really sorry..i promise i help u carry logistics in sch ok? ^^ Yup, we may not have run the hardest for this race but i guess we are the most motivated group, at least it is so to me =)

16 Things I've learnt:

1) How to prepare for adventure races.
2) Don't do physical training 2 days b4 your race.
3) Bring isotonic drink to races cos water doesn't help.
4) Deep heat is your good friend in adventure races.
5) Don't eat cheese in the morning.
6) Must learn how to play rubics cube from QY before gg for adventure races.
7) Can scold vulgarities oin adventure races (Juz dun get caught =p)
8) Run your own race (with ur partner) Dun care whether u will win anot cos it's the process
tht's memorable.
9) If u can run then run all the way, if u cannt then walk all the way.
10) Don't switch partners (cycling to running or vice versa) in team biathalon cos your legs will
be very tired.
11) Eat banana before your race too prevent cramps
12) Run / walk the race together with your partner. Nvr leave 1 another behind.
13) Trust your partner.
14) You can do it when you believe you can do it. (^^) Y
15) "Bang, bang, bang, bang, who die?" =p
16) Last but the most, found the best partner in the world =)

My 1st adventure race happened today -> 11/1/2009 w/ mushroom (Pang Keng Hao) in a team called blue mushroom aka YX01. Alright reserved. Pte Ltd. No copying thank you =p

Finish writing on 14/1/2009 =)

| a simple day. 1/11/2009 04:12:00 PM
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I cannt slp, cannt slp, cannt slp, juz cannt slp..tht's y talking rubbish here again...guess this blog is becoming my rubbish dump alr..muz revamp..though i dunno hw..gonna wake up at 3am..but still..cannt slp..y ar? I also dunno..i want to slp but my mind juz cannt rest..haiz..am i getting bipolar disorder? Y sometimes very sad the next moment can nt sad again..4gt everything..maybe the events are too overwhelming? Or maybe i'm juz super kan chiong about the race? My 1st ever adventure race..n i'm gonna ruin it by nt slping the nite b4? Haiz..but juz cannt slp wad..so crapping here..Kan Chiong Spidy out again..i kp telling myself to kp tht 6 legs but they juz won't go away..kk..my imagination's running wild again..can i wake up 2 n 1/2 hr later? I dunno..will some1 wake me up? If any body is looking at this blog rite nw..can u juz stay up for me n wake me up at 3am? Or maybe dunnid to stay up but juz wake me up at 3am? Will any1 do this for me? Haiz..i guess not..but if there is, greatly appreciated..treat u mac ice cream ok? Any1..juz any1..

Tired..mentally..physically nt so much..haiz..wondering have i spoken the wrg word again? But nvm, i'm juz talking wad i feel rite..if u r my fren u will stay beside me n nt leave de rite..4give n 4gt wad..kk, gonna go back to try to slp..*cross fingers*

| a simple day. 1/11/2009 12:20:00 AM
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Saturday, January 10, 2009

如果你不再出现 我的世界 还有什么可贵
可惜不够时间 让我们试验 什么叫永远
想念变成怀念 心动变成心碎
偏偏还会关切 你最后属于谁

| a simple day. 1/10/2009 08:52:00 PM
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Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I dun believe i'm blogging rite here now..juz spent an hour washing my clothes n wiping my shoes..cos the washing machine broke down =( haven finish doing reports n projects..stress about everything..wadeva they might be..pimples are growing all over my face n i'm growing fatter as compared to the 1st day i entered poly..guess it's the comfort food tht i've being turning to..esp chocolates..i'm very ugly now (nt tht i'm pretty b4 but at least still can call normal..) so dun look at me now k? Even if u look at me i also wun look at you so no point..though i know it's rude to nt look at ppl when they talk..but it's not becos i dun respect u but becos i very ugly now..so 4give me if i dun look at u when u r talking to me..I rmb i promised nash n khaizurah n nadiah i will go on diet when i come back to singapore during grad camp when we fireman carry each other..i'm working hard towards it though i dun think anything i did work so far..still trying..

Yesterday was a great disappointment to myself..didn't manage to clock the timing and distance tht i should be able to do so..i can't believe my body, legs, feet are doing these to me at this time..actually i kinda expected it cos my senior once told me if u dun train for a wk ur timing will drop drastically..tht's y we used to have trainings every mon, wed n fri..sometimes even go macritchie to run on sats..but i seemed to have slack a lot ever since the beginning of this yr..used to run everyday.. but now..only run when i feel lyk it..sometimes dun even have the time to run..time shouldn't be an excuse i noe..i'm juz plain lazy i guess..getting lazier n lazier..
though mushrm say still can win if jog normally throughout the race..but i still scared..i dunno scared wad but juz sth there i cannt put down 1..juz scared lo..it's lyk doing my 1st race lyk tht..the 1/2 army marathon..i also super nervous tht time cos scared can't wake up..sccared can't finish..scared i'm the last..this time i think scared throw ppl's face..dun dare to say i'm fr adc if we turn out to be the last..(touchwood) juz hafta walk 1 step see 1 step lo..

Yesterday i also made a promise to ms wp..a promise tht i must fulfil..not only to redeem myself n giving me a chance to go for attachment but also a chance for me to at least not let a lot of ppl down for 1 time..i need to be punctual fr now until end of sem as well as the whole of my FYP period..i dunno hw..but i'm juz gonna try i guess..i finally gave myself an answer after much thinking..i have to be responsible for my own future i guess..n i have to admit tht deep down inside i really wanna go for attachment cos i like to work..i lyk to see the outside world n nt stuck in sch..it's juz tht sth is holding me back..my emotions i think..i'm too "gan qing yong shi" i guess..i dun think rationally when comes to matters of friendships..i tend to let them rule my head..i always see frens as the most impt things in my life even more than my family..this have been so since i was in pri sch..nw i've figure it out..true frens dun care about the time they spent tgt, the distance they r apart..n i trust my frenship with this bunch of ppl..though a lot of ppl told me there is no such thing as true frens but i still believe this frenship is true n strong..should put faith in it..it's ez to say..can do anot have to try hard i guess n hope i can mk it..at least for this time i know i wun regret my decision n let ppl down..

Today..i woke up early to have a gd start..well..nt exactly..cos when i reach the lec hall nobody was there then i know tht there's no lec in the morning today..ms gan said it last wk but i 4gt..nvm..it's better to be early than late..had prac at 2pm n sth funny happened..lizhi almost burnt the kitchen down..haha..kk..nt so serious lah..but ya..cos we were trying to stablilze the pot to submerge the cans into the boiling water n lizhi scared the water overflow so wanted to use muskin tape to stick the pot cover to the pot..but her effort was futile..cos...her muskin tape was a bit long n caught fire..haha..omg..u should have seen TT's stunned then stern face..after prac went to have Mt. K training..1st training was quite a small grp..but still very fun..idarh was my partner for the day n we ran tgt..did a lot of sets..also played games lyk egg, chick, chicken, super chicken n ice n water at the atrium..n we are only suppose to run on the white stripes only..somemore do different styles of hops at the pond there..kama almost went into the water sia..Had a fun day..tired but fun n happy =) Happy also cos i confirm the dates of gg mt K n they are fr 2nd Mar to 6th /7th March = dun clash wif my FYP =D !!! So at least i will be able to go ONE expedition..@ least nt so sad..juz tk it lyk any other hols..juz 1/hol.. I'm contented alr =) Ended the day at macs..n we were lyk arguing over whose course is the best..haha..i noe no point arguing wif them cos they always win 1..haha..but i dun care..fd science is a gd course..juz tht maybe i'm the black sheep in it i guess..love to cook dun = noe hw to cook..n nt all aspects of fd science is wad i'm interested in..lyk i'm nt gd wif machineries so i dun lyk fd processing n analytical methods..i dun lyk bacteria cos no matter hw u view under microscope they seems to look the same n somemore have to memorise their names when i can't even rmb ppl's names..stop it sia..but i lyk nutrition science..dunno y i juz lyk so can rmb more abt it n dun fall aslp during NS lects..esp the topics tht are taught this 1/2 sem..for once gt ppl say i ask logical questions..tht's an achievement to me alr cos at least my questions for once are nt stupid =p I like bio..so bio chem i listen very closely though i find it hard to understand hw some things in our body works..ask me y i lyk this course? Y i lyk nutrition? Y i love this? Y i love tht? Sometimes there's no reason as to why we love certain things..u juz lyk doing it...saw a phrase tht goes lyk this,"The best reason for you to love sth is to have no reason for loving it.." It's juz so true..juz a random thot..

Noe y this blog is extremely long? Cos i wrote it since tues..but nvr click the publish button then fell aslp alr..so kp adding things to this post..dunno y i feel so tired recently..once my head hit the pillow then zzZ...off i drift into dream land till the nxt morning..it's a gd thing tht i can rest but it's a bad thing cos there's a lot of assignments tht i haven finish..though i've tried to kp myself awake but nope..cannt..still slp..haiz..so forcing myself nt to slp nw..oops..nt to blog though..should be doing my assignments..kk..gtg..nitez =)

Peaceful mind ^^ Y

| a simple day. 1/07/2009 01:32:00 AM
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Monday, January 5, 2009

Concentration, concentration, this is a game of concentration..haiz..i'm back to blog again though i've gt nth to talk abt nw..juz need concentration to do my reports..n i dun seem to get it..y am i always cannt concentrate? I think i lack of vit b 4gt-wad-number...kk..nvm..this is gonna be 1 of the shortest post i've ever written since pat said my blog's too lengthy..well..sometimes u juz want to say wad u want to say n i've gt a lot to say at times tht i dun dare/wanna say aloud ..so ya..it's a relieve to express everything w/o having to care abt wad other ppl say..n i think i can n only have the courage to say things here..yup..kk..will post a song that i like a lot..it's by spice girls "Let Love Lead the Way"..Not only the tune is nice, the lyrics is a depict of ppl's life too..

http://www.haoting.com/musiclist/ht_3c4ad6a1063f435d.htm

What makes this world go round
Will the answer let her down
She is so sweet and young
And her life has just begun

What does her future hold
That's a story left unknown
Will she make it through her days
Let our love lead the way

Part of me laughs, part of me cries
Part of me wants to question why
Why is there joy, why is there pain
Why is there sunshine then the rain
One day you're here, next you are gone
No matter what we must go on
Just keep the faith and let love lead the way

Everything will work out fine
If you let love, love lead the way

Sitting there all alone
In the window of her room
Watching the world go by
Brings tears to her eyes

All she sees is hurt and pain
And she wants to break the chains
She'll keep pressing everyday
And she'll find her own sweet way

Part of me laughs
Part of me cries
Part of me wants to question why
Why is there joy
Why is there pain
Why is there sunshine then the rain
One day you're here
Next you are gone
No matter what we must go on
Just keep the faith and
Let love lead the way

You can be all that
And still can be who you are
You've gotta know for sure
That it isn't make believe

You may feel weak
But you are strong
Don't you give up, girl

If you keep holding on
You'll never be wrong
Just close your eyes
Cause it lies deep in your heart

| a simple day. 1/05/2009 03:23:00 PM
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Juz feeling bored n frustrated by reports so taking a breather away fr them by blogging...I'm nw sitting at blk p/q canteen with pat, jon n jerald..doing "work" though my mind still can't process..(nth new to u guys rite..) I've being reading stupid journals throughout the nite n trying to figure wad they are trying to tell me about the analysis of tycophenol..wadeva is tht..i dun think i gt the spelling rite also..n i ended up listening to backstreet boyz n spice gals old songs..i still rmb the 1st eng album my mum bought for me is spice gals 1st album when i was still pri 2..n i spent the whole nite on my parents bed listening over n over again to the album..n my 1st chinese album bought was "yang guang xi lie 2" cos of evelyn tan's "cha gan lei di" (Dry your tears)..the song's not about love but telling 1 to be brave even at times of difficulties..tht time i think i was too young to know the meaning n was drawn to the music..but eventually i came to know about the meaning n love the song even more =) Cannt be found in the market le..backstreet boyz were the most popular boy band at my time (nt tht i'm very old..i'm only 20..) i still rmb "everybody" sang by them was 1 of power rangers theme song..n every1 of us will shake towards the song when it's played..alpha (4gt is this the exact name..) the robot in power ranger will dance to the song..cute sia..then there's "i want it tht way" theme sonng of our club.."spanish eyes", "I'll never break ur heart", "Back to your heart", "Anywhere for you"..a lot of songs that are really nice..i was actually looking for "I'll be there for you" by The Moffatts but i happen to find backstreet boyz 1 too..they are totally 2 different songs juz the same title but both are super nice =) Muz go n listen...as for spice girls..There's "Let love lead the way", "Stop", "Viva 4eva", "Say you will be there", "Wannabe", "2 become 1", "Mama", "Time goes by"...all of them rakes up memories of my pri sch..i rmb us rehearsing the dance for "Stop" for talent time during pri 6..tht time we keep changing songs n this is 1 of the songs we thot of performing..eventually we chose "A Hard Day's Nite" by Beatles..damn retro..haha..i also found "Take me to your heart" by Michael Learns To Rock..it's actually the eng version of Jacky Cheung's "Wen Bie" but i think the eng version's nicer..more touching..=) Kk..also dunno y i suddenly gt the urge to listen to eng songs..still think eng songs in the 90s nicer.. ^^

Went to bottle neck tree park for kayaking test on sat..though it's quite lame to kayak there cos the area is lyk super small..as compare to the open sea tht we are used to kayaking in..but it's a beautiful place..very peaceful also..can consider gg there for outings cos there's a lot of activities tht can be carry out there such as paint ball, fishing, prawning, paddling on "swans" in the pond..there's even ppl taking wedding pics there..will post the pics nxt time..then went cycling at nite..finally i'm able to cycle fr ecp to changi beach then to pasir ris..i finally noe the way myself ^^ Damn happy..cos everytime need ppl to lead me there..the slopes vevry fun to play with cos can juz put both legs on 1 side then let the bike run itself down the slopes..but the way up is...okay lah..nt very bad but nt very ez also..haha..damn cold there..dunno y i know it's cold but still dun wanna brg extra clothes to wear..everytime go but nvr learn my lesson..tht's me -> stubborn..i guess..

The nxt day damn tired..cos when i reach home it's alr 11 plus am..slept until 1pm then need to wake up again to go adventura briefing..lucky the MC super funny..so i didn't sleep..the deepest impression tht left on my mind is the part where he said cotton gloves are not allowed to do abseiling..i was building images of a person wearing those fanciful gloves they wear in winter to abseil down..then the gloves suddenly went into flames..haha..damn stupid thinking but really funny when u picture tht..then somemore he's lyk trying to be funny..dun answer questions tht ppl ask..somemore keep asking ppl to google for answers themselves..stop it sia him..u will laugh until u stomach pain if u attend the briefing yourselves..haha..I'm getting a bit scared for the race alr..cos..it's lyk a lot of things i dunno though mushrm noe..but if everything he do rite then i join also no point alr rite? A race should be a 2 person thingy but nw i a bit scared i too stupid to complete the elements..went thru the disciplines of the race with mushrm and most of them, no, is ALL of them are his specialize..then hafta depend all on him..sianz 1/2..if only i nt so stupid..but nvm..having confidence is 1/2 the battle won rite..muz hypnotize myself..haha.. =p

Maybe it's true tht i'm getting a bit emo lately..but it's lyk everytime i dun cherish the time we spent until the time we have to leave..be it in pri sch or jc or work..everytime left a few days then it hit me tht i'm really leaving tht grp of ppl n everytime after we graduate we seldom have common time to meet up..it's not lyk in sch we get to see each n every1 of them so often..topics to talk about also reduce..n we drifted apart..i'm afraid tht will happen again..maybe tht's y i'm so scared of leaving nw..yup..should move on..trying to..thanx anyway, sense =) though i dunno who u r =)

kk, gotta go back do journal..haiz..sianz 1/2..

Sky2blue

| a simple day. 1/05/2009 12:53:00 PM
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Friday, January 2, 2009

Today is a sad day..a very sad day..it's really hard to hold back the tears n try to be happy when u are stuck in probs n question marks n...the fear of losing things/ppl u have ard u..at least i made it thru' today..i think..i noe i've being repeating this over n over again..n i guess any1 reading would be quite frustrated n wondering y am i kp talking about losing ppl or even leaving when there's still 2 more months to go..but u dunno hw time flies..n hw seconds past so ever quickly..today i was late..no..nt present for lecture again..n it's biotech again..= debar fr exams..tht's the 1st thing tht hit me when i woke up at 10.35am today..lecture is long gone n so is my attendance..really didn't meant for tht to happened..went countdown the nite b4 so slept throughout the day n couldn't get back to slp at nite so repacked my room till 6am..really intended to go for lect such tht i even set my alarm @ 7am so tht i can leave house at 8am n can reach b4 9am..but still..my hp was found under my pillow n i guess the sound was muffled..i know it's no use to explain so i didn't explain..i know it's tiring for u guys to hear tht i've overslept over n over again..at the end of proj 3 today, Richard Khaw came to me n say,"U know u are not going for attachment? Becos u r alwaes late.." I didn't shed a tear or smile. Cos i didn't know how to react. I didn't know i should be happy that i can go for expeditions or should i be sad that i will no longer be like a poly student..not going through what the rest will be going through..i showed indifference to his statement but my heart sank rite down..for the 1st time in my life i didn't know hw to feel..or rather what to feel..n even if i'm nt gg for attachment, FYP also starts in the middle of march..= can't go expeditions too..i dunno..i was really lost..somehow .. i juz need a shoulder to cry on..yet i didn't want ppl to see me lyk tht cos i'm alwaes happy..always strong..or am i? This is the last expedition tht we will be having with the seniors n I seriously didn't want to miss it cos..i scared this will be the last..ya, it's true tht I used a lot of ppl's names to cover the 1 tht i miss the most..but every single of them have a place in my heart..u noe when's the 1st time i feel wanted? It's when Kama gave me a hug..the 1st hug i've had from her b4 we say gdbye at the mrt..i 4gt when was tht..the other memorable hug was my 2nd best x'mas gift on x'mas eve.. i was so surprise cos no1 ever does tht to me b4..n tht somehow tells me tht i belong to the club..tht's when i tell myself i'm nt gg to leave them no matter what..n yet nw..they r leaving..i noe it's sooner or later every1 have to leave..i wun want to see them staying on also cos tht would means (touchwood) retaining..the new batch will move up, old batch will pass out..but sometimes we human juz let our hearts rule our minds..we feel instead of think..n at this point the only thing u want to do is turn the tap on n let it run..ya..it's logical that u shouldn't forsake ur results, ur GPA for other ppl..but feelings are illogical aren't they? Nvm, i hope tht my tears will run dry so tht they wun fall in front of ppl during commissioning..

Every day u lived is a gift..tht's no wrg..it's a cliche yet it's juz so true..sometimes we really miss out the things tht ppl do for us..sometimes we dun even noe tht the person did so much for us till he/she left n we are left to regret..we tend to take ppl's presence for granted but juz like what i've read in The Journey, "It's not about what she had done for u but what u can do for her." No use brooding over whether u are the reason of his/her departure..what matters most is whether his/her presence during her life has any meaning to u..i guess he/she will know tht she meant sth to u n tht what she had done for u is worth it..i guess tht's enuff for some1 to leave in peace..Juz a random thot..

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course.
Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
-Carl Jung

Heard a malay song during outing to sentosa..think it's quite nice..so went to find it's translated meaning n found it quite meaningful..so posting it here to share with whoever is reading these..

Kau Ilhamku (You're my Inspiration) by Man Bai

Meaning of song:

A thousand stars in the sky have now disappeared,
The darkness of the night caresses me.
The shine of the moon dims,
Dimming also my inspiration, i was directionless

An image of your face appeared unknowingly
There's a twinkle, there's a shine
Is that a star or the moon?
I say, thank you.

Permit me to steal the image of your face,
Permit me to steal a moment of a dream with you

Forgive me if this song disturbs your peace..
Do smile, just for our memories in this arena.
You're my inspiration..

Actual lyrics:

Beribu bintang di langit kini menghilang
Meraba aku dalam kelam
Rembulan mengambang kini makin suram
Pudar ilhamku tanpa arah

Sedetik wajahmu muncul dalam diam
Ada kerdipan ada sinar
Itukah bintang ataupun rembulan
Terima kasih ku ucapkan

Izinkanku mencuri bayangan wajahmu
Izinkanku mencuri khayalan denganmu

Maafkanlah oh…
Andailah lagu ini mengganggu ruangan hidupmu
Kau senyumlah oh…
Sekadar memori kita di arena ini
Kau ilhamku… kau ilhamku…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCCbqsB_V6U&feature=related

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It's a very beautiful song..esp with the guitar...juz wanna share..

.. / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / -- .. ... ... / -.-- --- ..-

| a simple day. 1/02/2009 09:56:00 PM
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Thursday, January 1, 2009

1st post for 2009..

Juz woke up..reached home at 8(am) plus this morning cos "torn" overnite at clarke quay wif min, zul, hijau, qing ying, james, noh, nasyita & ikhsan. Loretta, i-kim and elynn left at about 4am..Me n QY met at Cityhall at 7 plus pm yesterday..when i stepped out of the mrt, i looked ard me..ppl were all in party clothes..n me = shorts + tee + slippers..haha..look so out of place..but nvm..i juz went ahead..met the rest at capitol centre there while they were eating @ magic wok..me n qy then went to a guitar store to look at the guitars there n guitar picks..after tht went to eat mc ice cream..then we walk straight to the supreme court to meet them again..played indian poker n police, murderer n victim till i-kim reached..calling some adcians who were not there to celebrate with us cos they went to celebrate wif their frens..eddry even called fr east coast park..haha..then we climbed over the ledge of the supreme court n sat there..took some pics then emo till 10mins to 12am, we then join back the grp where loretta, james, zul, helmi they all reach alr..we counted down tgt..watched fireworks quietly..it wasn't really very noisy except for the fireworks sound as almost every1 was taking videos n pics of the fireworks..i took a few @ 1st but gave up in the end cos i realise i wasn't really enjoying the beauty of the fireworks to its fullest extent..fireworks are meant to be seen for a short period of time i guess..the beauty of it can only be captured there n then in ur mind..no photos can take place of it..it's better to enjoy the short beauty of it than to minimize its magnificence by viewing it thru the camera frame..Zul lightened up the spirit by shouting, "Well done!" n "Again again!" haha..after the fireworks ended, SOP, we took loads of pics on the steps of the supreme court..n since the last train timing extended to 2am this morning, we all agree tht we go have supper at mac then those who wanna go home, go home n those who wanna stay, stay..well..i didn't really wanna go back..actually i was quite determined not to go back..anyway, we walked along the streets of clarke quay to reach the nearest mac n on the way is really...cannt stand it..a lot of smoke were puffed into our way..a lot of drunkards..ppl ranting on the streets..everywhere was havoc..dun like it..really dun like it..cos dun feel safe there n dun feel comfortable there..it's really not a nice scene to see ladies..ladies....lying drunk on the ground all over or walking n ranting like mad ppl on the streets..it's so different fr the quietness i like if u walked along the riverside point at certain weekdays nite..it's juz so different fr changi beach though there are still some ppl smoking there but it's not so..suffocating...n at least it's peaceful there..at tht time really wish i was at east coast park cycling...but it's as nice as well to walk lyk tht in a grp with adcians cos gt an assurance they will nvr leave u behind..zul kept looking behind to ensure every1 was there n 1 funny thing happened..i was actually at the back then dunno when i was pushed to the front juz in front of zul n he was lyk looking ard to see if everi1 was there then he suddenly ask,"Where's Ming Fei?" n i was juz staanding rite in front of him..haha..okay..this tells me i need to grow taller which i dun think is possible alr =p Finally we reach the nearest mac n it was really small n crowded with a lot of ppl..so we decided to go to the 1 near Clarke Quay station..juz beside Liang Court n at first i led them to the wrg direction i think cos i also not familiar wif the locations there as i dun really go there often..eventually we still managed to find ourselves there..it's actually at Liang court..long queue in there also so we juz take away our fd n found a slope to sit..as usual..rite in the middle of the road..haha..at least three's no ppl smoking there..we juz sat there then chat n eat..wished tht time could juz stand still rite there n then..though i think they dun really like my idea of juz sitting down there nt doing anything or juz watching the sky..haha..kk, the scenery there wasn't exactly nice to see cos really a lot of drunkards ard n there's nth in the sky..stars disappeared..after sending loretta off it was about 4 plus alr..so we walked to a coffee shop near upper cross rd to have tea n coffee n chat a bit about religions..i fell aslp 1/2 way thru i guess..then we walked back to cityhall mrt..the rest took train home while me n qy went to see "sunrise"..cannt really see it cos a lot of things were blocking the sun n we are at central..but still ok..cos quite quiet alr at tht time n there's less ppl along the streets alr..quite enjoy the peacefulness there..after a while we went home too..

Tht's how i spent my new yr eve..though a bit bored sometimes along the way but at least tht's the 1st new yr i spent with adcians ..at least we spent the last moment of 2008 n the 1st moment of 2009 tgt..will nvr 4gt..nvr..

Juz a random phrase i've seen somewhere.. :

Don't walk behind me as i may not be able to lead.
Don't wallk in front of me as i may not be able to follow.
Walk beside me, as a friend. Don't abandon me.

True friends don't laugh AT you, they laugh WITH u instead.

| a simple day. 1/01/2009 08:33:00 AM
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+exits