i just want ...

Monday, June 30, 2008

Finally blogging again..actually nt very free nw..cos gt loads of projects n reports on hand to finish..but juz have this feeling to blog again so here goes...

So many things have happened since i last blogged...Should i start fr the back..ya..ok..1st thing 1st..I found a place to stay!!! Thanx to jenny, anthony (the agents) and a special some1 =) Tht place is very near to almost everything n most imptly near to my besttest friends i have in nyp (@ least they are to me =D). It's lyk back to my pri sch days when every1 of us (Aeng, Jac n Nurul) live so near to one another and can always jio each other out...U dunno hw much friends meant to me....Juz a "U r our fren also wad...", a msg to remind u to have ur dinner and a "call me when u reach..." really warms one's heart..though i didn't say so, i really appreciate the help u guys have given me..used to think tht no 1 cares..but nt now..nt ever again.. =) I have friends, true friends who gave me a hand when i'm in trouble..tht's enuff..really...
Sth happened on fri, tht i think is my own fault which caused my own sadness..i went to lecture fr 8.30am to 12pm then after which i went to eat with ria,patrick, desheng n weimun...after lunch, some go e-learning lab some go lib n me, went to fd lab to find ll thinking tht the nxt lesson,which is tt's tutorial, starts at 2pm (cos i counted the hours fr the back...) @ ard 1.30pm, i saw my proj 2 grpmates in the other lab doing ckn patty alr..!!! I was shocked cos no1 informed me about it n was even more shocked when they said tt's tutorial had ended...I hold back my tears for sth lyk 10mins..went into ll's office..then can't stand it anymore...tears start rolling down...can't help it though i dun lyk to cry in front of others..but the feeling of being unwanted was really strong..it brought me back to the time when i was left in the middle of amk n every1 left the meeting place w/o waiting for me n telling me..it's lyk telling u straight in ur face tht u r nt needed..am i too sensitive? I think so..cos after tht belinda told me becos they didn't see me in lect this morning (which i was there but in a corner) so they thot i nt coming sch tht day...ya..i think i'm too sensitive n think too much...always thinking tht ppl dislike me..think i juz dun haf enuff confidence in myself..maybe tht's y i lyk being in the wilderness so much..at least the trees, the rivers, the streams wun abandon me..

Ok..4gt about the sad things..Gd news (for me)!!! I gt a job!! Sat n sun working at various coldstorage n jasons marketplace...selling smoked salmon..the price is a bit steep so gt rejected by quite a lot of ppl..n there's also ppl who juz come n gt samples n go..well..i'm ok wif tht as long as u dun give me tht ignore-me kinda face..feel free to try! haha..i thot this job will be kinda bored cos i'll be promoting alone but...i'm wrg..the staffs at cold storage parkway n jasons @ orchard towers r super nice to me..haha..kp asking me "makan alr?", "gt ppl buy or nt?" etc. gt 1 auntie promoting coffee kp offering me coffee..haha..my fav! Thanx auntie (sori i dunno ur name)! But the supervisor @ jelita is super niao 1 lo.."Muz wear white shirt black pants, black shoes..n muz have typhoid cert..if nt we cannt let her promote lyk tht..." Tht's wad she said..n then we were dismissed..my boss was so gd to pay me for tht 2hrs i've been there n also the prepared samples...so no wk tht day..which was quite gd for me cos then i gt time to finish projects!!! Oh ya..toking about my boss, he's a finland-ish (tht means he comes fr finland..=p) and he's also quite an outdoor person..very ez-gg..had many experience ard the world..being to many countries...worked for polar (sports watches) for 8 yrs..hmm..all in all a nice guy..=) I'm getting to lyk this job cos there's always chance for me to interact wif different customers esp wif their kids..haha..they r so cute..cos they nt paiseh to ask for more samples lyk the adults do..so gt a few of them juz kp coming n coming to ask for more samples..n the way they eat ar..haha..really cute sia..gt 1 parent was so happy tht her daughter is eating fish tht she bought a few packets fr me..I guess tht's hw parents feel..they will give all out to their children if they see tht their children can benefit fr it...then gt 1 say our hot smoked salmon taste lyk tuna..-_-" ok..some expensive tuna i guess...shan't kp harping on my job..after being dismissed at jelita, went to national lib..ppl in fd science..can go national lib to find info..lotsa info there..for lots of reports!!! =) It's under applied science, 635.043...and the shelf on the other side also gt a lot on fd technology...Go chk them out! =)

Rewind a bit backwards....the person tht i thot i'll nt see again appeared..but this time..u made me more determine to erase u fr my memories...no..i will nt kp in touch wif u anymore..i hafta draw the lines clear..u r out of my life..u understand? Some1, pls help me 4gt him...i dun wan to haf anything to do wif him anymore...n this is to my friend out there..dun try silly things..dun mix ard wif ppl fr there again..they r nt gd..i'll always be here for u k? Treasure wad u haf nw..4gt about the past..i'm always here to help u start afresh if u want..i'm only a call away =)

Nw, gg on to my another fren in nyp..(shan't say who he is or else both of us will be in trouble i guess..) Troubled by a lot of things (him)...by those things tht i think can be solved by pure communication...i think he has the same prob as me..lack of confidence..and also lack of friends..true friends tht care about him..i undergo the same things b4 also..were best of frens but suddenly MY fren become OTHER ppl's fren...the feeling's nt gd cos it's lyk we used to hang out 2gether n nw tht u haf some1 else, nt ever more...but i guess..it's juz no fate lo..frens come and go..tht's wad ms wp n ll said to me..they may be friends with u for 1 day, a few wks, a few mths even a few yrs but who can guarantee wad's gonna happened after 10 yrs, 20 yrs? They may nt be there for u alr...so i learnt to let go..juz let things be...no frens in XXXXXX doesn't mean u haf no frens outside..i'm proud to say tht i've wonderful friends in adc who are always there for me to give me those warm warm fuzzy fuzzy feeling tht i was seeking for..no1, nt even family, can give me tht..also, nt to 4gt ms wp n ll too...they r always there for me..i have no other meanings for writing these other than to let u guys noe tht i dun tk u all for granted...hope this fren can learn to let go too...i can't help u in any ways i think cos i haf a lot more other probs i needa cope..but my ears are always dedicated to u, buddy..=) Some1 told me the best thing to do when some1 is in distress is to stay by his side and let him do wadeva he wanna do wif u (no matter it's punch, beat or bite etc.) I see wad u mean nw.. Sometimes juz providing a listening ear is all tht it takes...

Nxt, I went for my very 1st night cycling wif another special some1...dun tink i can disclose this person's name cos dunno whether she'll lyk it or nt..(Let's call her L..) Met L at chinese garden mrt..walk to her hse..bathed...saw her photos taken when she was at kids camp...omg..she gt so many experiences overseas lo!!! Really envy her..so gd with kids..her mum was very friendly...kp asking me questions..n the 1 i really rmb is,"wah, u also very dark hor.." (translated to eng) ok..i dun care anyway..haha..anw, her mum is cute lah..=p We set off at about 9.15pm...at the start of the journey i was quite slow cos i needa learn hw to kp an eye out for cars coming fr the back..L asked me to practise using "side view" (which means rolling ur eyeballs back a bit so tht u can sense any car light coming near u) I also learnt hw to cycle a bike a bit taller than the height i shld get..juz use the peddle as a stepping stone then give urself a slight heave to get on top of the saddle..was quite wobbly at first..but manage quite well after we passed pandan loop..oh ya..mentioning pandan loop..the tankers there is super a lot de lo..u can really feel the engine beside u as u cycle..n the cars coming r behind u..omg..so shiok! then we came to a road where L said," Let u play a while here lah.." cos there no traffic so can cycle at ease n at full speed..WOW! The feeling is unspeakable lo! Can feel the wind gushing thru my hair, against my face...The stars seem to draw closer than usual...For tht moment, i'm the happiest gal in the world...Then POM! I fell. Cos I didn't see a hook on the stand as i go pass n my clothes somehw gt hooked there,dragging the whole bike n me down...ouch. Tht hurts. But nt enuff to dampen my excitement =p We continued on to west coast park...it's really a beautiful place..found a new spot to cycle le! =) so sad when the trail ended cos it's time for me to catch the last train...=(

Nxt, was my worst day of all..felt soooo terrible cos i promised ms wp to go home n she "threaten" me tht she will nt trust me ever again if i break my promise to her..so..ya..we went home..my parents ordered oiishi pizza then we sat ard the table in the living rm to eat n chat..yes..chat..but i juz kp playing ard wif ll..didn't really wanna lk at them..so awkward..lyk so long nvr tok le then become stranger lyk tht..after dinner, me n ll went to my rm to see my grad photos fr nyjc and ms wp had a long chat wif my mum..ok..all my secrets are disclosed to her nw...haiz..thot i could buried the past but no..it surfaced again..juz hope tht no1 else other than wp n ll noes...after sending ms wp n ll off, i went back to my hse..stood at the door there for dunno hw long..then suddenly the door open by itself..it was my mum wanting to throw rubbish..then i enter the hse, went straight into my rm...on msn the whole night..nt slping..couldn't slp..daren't step out also..dun wanna face the awkwardness out there..so weird..everything's so weird..i intended to go to support the seniors for the adventure race early in the morning but no 1's gg so i didn't go too..went back to sch to tidy up my locker..then dun feel lyk gg back le...luckily i brought all my outdoor stuff wif me..

ok..this is too long for a blog entry...will blog further on sea expedition on my nxt entry...=)

| a simple day. 6/30/2008 03:21:00 AM
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Saturday, June 14, 2008

Back fr Jerangkang...had happi moments there..damn fun..damn exciting..really feel lyk living there n nt coming back..long time since i last had this feeling to blog..until nw then i really gt back this feeling..all the unhappy things had past i guess..his shadow (i think) is fading away..but somehw the places we used to hang out still reminds me of the days we had 2gether..kinda miss him sometimes..ya..if u r reading..i miss u a lot..tht's the sentence i wanted to say to u all along but didn't dare to cos i know i'm in no position to say tht..nw tht i noe i'll nvr see u again, juz hope tht u r getting along fine with ur life...

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Went to Jerangkang for 4 days..it really feels GREAT to be back to the nature!!! Can totally throw everything away there..practically everything..every woes...it's good to see so many trees and water surrounding u again..no..or rather less modern tech ard (though i still cannt do w/o my ipod..=p) but some hw..gg there isn't the same as gg to berkelah again..sth is missing but i couldn't tell wad..perhaps it's the grp of ppl i missed ba..still rmb we (farmer, may, bert, viviane...) were playing bluff n thati at the back of the bus in the dark some more though we knew it was "illegal"..also perhaps it's the carefree me i missed..We reached the mosque ard 3pm..disappointed by the clear dark sky...=( no stars..nvm..i thot..there will be stars @ the waterfall..

Early nxt morning, our grp tk the 1st lorry uphill to the foot of the waterfall..up up up and we go!!! =) The path was still as rocky as ever..and stupid me still wondering y we didn't pass by the tunnel the last time we went to berkelah..of course nt! Cos this time we are gg to JERANGKANG wad..-_-" Haiz..n hello..everi1...i was really only closing my eyes to feel the breeze..NT SLEEPING...-_-" nvm..i'm used to u guys mking fun of me le..haiz..the 40mins ride was quite fun actualli..lame jokes were crack to past time..photos were taken..sceneries were admired..juz hope tht time would stay here n we could juz kp travelling n travelling..

Reached the base camp after 40mins ride, was again disappointed by the camp site..it wasn't lyk berkelah at all..the stream wasn't "user-friendly" to wash our utensils, clothes etc as it was actually juz 2 small puddles..whereas berkelah's was a whole stretch of stream for everi1 to use..well..no complains though..as long as i'm out in the wilderness i'm fine with anything..sori, shouldn't kp comparing to berkelah..juz couldn't help loving it so much n missing it too much..=)

We happened to be the lucky grp to trek up 1st wif Mr Wilfred on our official 1st day at Jerangkang! Tht's the 1st best thing tht happened to me after a string of bad things tht happened to me lately..(shall talk about it later..) Was expecting narrow footholds n treeless supports behind juz lyk berkelah so was actually mentally prepared to fall or sth lyk tht cos (ok..muz admit tht i'm a bit afraid of heights..) but..to my surprise..the trek up was quite ez..nt very tough..we need each others support up most of the time at berkelah but here we juz need to swing ourselves up using the branches..little help was needed except at some areas where it's REALLY steep..when we reach the "top" (actually it wasn't really the top lah..cos "mummy" said tht it would be quite dangerous for us to proceed further on..) there was again! this place for us to jump!! Yippee!! Haha..miss the jumps we had at berkelah..only had 2 jumps tht time..Luckily this time round no 1 freak out..everi1 was brave enuff to dive in quite fast..even fardiz (dunno spell correct or nt..) who can't swim spent only 10mins hesitating..tht's all!! 3 cheers for him!!! =) It's nt ez to start sth u can't u noe..Was quite pissed off by some1 (whom i shall nt mention the name since he got better after tht...) as he told me,"I don't want to get wet!" when he was persuaded to jump off fr the 1st waterfall..if its water phobia or height phobia i can understand...but u come for a waterfall expedition n u dun wanna get wet?!!! Wad is this?!! OMG!!! I can't believe my ears! Haha..anw..he jumped..so..ya..cheers for him too..

After lunch, we were separated,given a choice of the water route or the land route..of course i chose the water route!! Hw could i miss the fun!! =p So I passed all my valuables to fardiz n start on the trail..

I didnt regret passing my cam to fardiz..coz the 1st step we muz tk is to throw our bags into the water!!! Omg..I was wondering hw my bag is gg to float cos it's nt waterproof but anw there's no valuable inside so..off it goes into the water n miraculously..it FLOATS!!! Kk..so off i jumped..damn shiok..to feel the water surrounding me..the coldness eating into my skin..n then 1 by 1 we cross "rivers" by "rivers", "streams" by "streams"...jumped countless cliffs..there's this malay boy(sori, couldn't rmb ur name..) who couldn't swim but only mention it AFTER he jumped!! Haha..pk said tht he should haf shouted,"I cannot swim...!" as he jump..tht could haf being quite spectacular! =p Then there's this cliff tht has rocks below..(i mean..ya..which cliff doesn't..but this 1 has a lot tht we have to jump really far out so tht we wun hit our head on the rocks..) n i gt a bit scared..stood there for a few seconds then thot of wad pk said @ berkelah,"if i die, so be it.." I was thinking..ya hor..i'm also nt tied down to anything except perhaps my parents...so off i jump again..haha..n i survived..pk, ur sentence really works, even though u said it was juz to coax us up the waterfall last time...fun fun fun n more fun..the only thing i gt a bit frustrated about is tht my nose is beginning to ache fr all those jumpings..sadly, our water trail came to an end n we had to begin cooking dinner...in the rain..i think god muz haf planned for this rain to come after our trek..(cos it did for both days =) ) Thank god..we didn't haf to trek in the rain n swim in the thunder..didn't mind cooking in the rain though cos gt the beautifully set up basha for us by the seniors (ours couldn't mk it =p) We had chicken rice, cauliflower n satay chicken for dinner..the rice was damn oily lo..but the rest said it's nice..haiz..nt gd for health ar...
The de-brief wif Mr Wilfred was fun..played a guessing game which was erm..haha..quite..cannt say mind-racking also cannt say stupid cos i also spent some time thinking about it..challenging? Tht's for u to noe lah..after tht went to sit @ the rocks wif andy to haf a chat..was again disappointed by the clear, dark sky..haiz..no stars..hoping tht 2mr will see some miracles..however, my disappointment was compensated by a grp of little creatures!! Guess wad?!! Fireflies!!! 1st time in my life i ever see a grp of fireflies!!! Nt 1 but a grp!!! =) I'll nvr 4gt!!! It was andy who 1st spotted them..i couldn't really made them out till i cupped my hands over my eyes..they are quite some distance fr us..near the other end of the rocks...they are so beautiful...it's a pity i can't tk a photo of them..After a while, we were caught by the committee n were told nt to go down to the rocks at night..haiz..wish i was 1 of commitee member..wish tht i can lay on the rocks lyk i did @ berkelah..(sori..i did it again..but..ya..berkelah =p)
After tht, had a small chat wif Mr Wilfred..i guess he knew sth about me fr the comm members ba..he did talk some sense into me..i guess..but i juz wasn't ready to go home..i didn't noe y..i dunno wad i really wanted..

Tht night, i didnt really slept..oh..or did i? actually i didn't noe..i rmb asking Mr Wilfred y we can't juz slp on the rocks cos it's really beautiful there n it's a pity to come all the way here to slp in tents..n his reply ( i think is impt..) is,"Beautiful things can be dangerous too.." It mks sense. "..n it's unfair to the organiser. What if sth happened to 1 of u? Then the next group of ppl wun be able to come here for expedition..." Tht sounds serious but true. I put it in my heart n went to sit at the night sentry duty basha as i'm still nt really tired. Sat there till 12pm..our grp's turn to do night sentry duty..walk a bit, eat a bit..time pass really fast..the others went back n i was left sitting there till dunno when i think i also fall aslp (as i always do) under the basha..
Nxt day was another "bz" day..bz? I guess nt for us..was really hoping i could tag along for the second time but it would be unfair for the others rite? haiz..fair nt fair..y isit always these 2 words tht's jugding whether we can go ahead wif things or nt..pk, didn't u say there's no such thing as fair in this world? Nvm, juz had to mk the best out of things =) n the rest of the day was nt so bad after all!!!! At the start of the day, we had our traditional dip-- the morning dip!!! Oooo...the water was soooooooooooo damn cold tht all of us were shivering...in the water is still ok..is the time when we gt out of it..wah...o0...the cold is cannt tahan 1 lo!!! But trying to act hero, still muz bite teeth n act as if nth wrg..hehe..then we had some quiet time to ourselves..for us to reflect on the things we did either is these pass few days or these past few yrs..of course..i have much to reflect on and tht really sadden me quite a bit for tht day..thot of sth i shouldn't haf thot of...should haf 4gtten about..luckily i fall aslp for the last 5 minutes n jianliang woke me up..Activities carry on..smile aplenty! ^^

We went on to the small hill to start jumping water fr it..after a few jumps, we went down to play another water slide..tht 1 was super fun! more fun than the previous 1 tht we sat on top..after tht came the most thrilling part of the day-my 1st time abseiling!!!! Whoa! I can't believe it! I actually haf a chance to abseil! OMG!!! Haha..i was told to grab hold of the rope on my master hand tightly n loosen my left hand..then slowly release my right hand..legs should open wider and straighten with body leaning backwards...then when i was a certain distance down the slope..Mr Wilfred asked me to pose a victory sign for photo shot n guess wad i did..i let go of my master hand to pose the victory sign -_-" Luckily Rafi was belaying me..or else i would haf fallen to my death..thanx rafi.. ^^ (will upload the photo when haf time...)

After lunch, we went sun bathing, took some photos wif the waterfall...we went jumping off the small hill again..this time shouting out names n silly sentences such as, "Mr Wilfred, where is your girlfriend, question mark" , "Wei ni dun stone, come and join us!"...Then there's a finale where we were trying to shout to welcome the grp coming back but guess they couldn't hear ba..andy, me n dragonfly went to join them for a final jump off the high n difficult-to-climb cliff..Kudos! Down we went..haiz..dunno when will be our nxt..........

Back to the campsite, chop chop, we "washed up" n prepared our dishes for the mini cooking competition..fried beehoon...was trying to mk egg omelette but somehw the omelette gt screwed up...haiz..maybe nt enuff oil..so in the end did scrambled egg instead..n silly me go n add too much salt(cos no time to slowly sprinkle le mah =p ) but nvm..our beehoon nt very salty, juz very spicy..so the egg can complement..haha..anw, our beehoon won! Credits to Mummy!! Haha..muz learn cooking fr her le.. =p then we had this music "carnival" where everi1 is suppose to think of a way to mk a sound..well..all i could think of is cat's meow..n when it comes to impromtu..hmmm..i couldn't think of anything so juz suddenly thot of them always say i slp so i snore lo..LOL..didn't intend to slp tht night 1..andy n i sat at the basha again..then char n pk n dragonfly n (i think zul isit?) came to join in then pk start to teach us about massage..wah..dunno where he learn all these points de..so accurate..say where pain where jiu pain..we ended the day by slping on each others stomach..haha..wad a way to end the day =p

Woke up @ 3.45am to do sentry duty..was damn tired n damn slpy..was half awake n half aslp walking about...then straight away go wash mass tin wif them..but i SERIOUSLY couldn't do it!!! My eyelids juz kp dropping..i was told tht i was standing at the rock there n...SLEEPING!!! omg..i should really change my slping habits when i get back...-_-"

Had our last morning dip...then left the base camp to the pick up point where we are suppose to board the lorry..was quite sad at leaving the place...i still believe i belong here..i meant there..at the waterfall..in the wilderness..i dun belong here..i'm nt happy here..there's no big trees, no rocks for us to lay on..no water for us to swim in (i mean the natural water)..i will truly miss the sceneries there..

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

| a simple day. 6/14/2008 09:44:00 PM
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